Arizona’s BigSky Country Wrestling (ABCW Fed)

[Ashe]

Jul 10, 2019 9:43:12 GMT -5 Thumper Moore III said:

After that useless sidebar...

Sep 1990 is when the big ownership reveal came to fruition. There had been hints of a problem in the contract that led to Mr. Fantasy’s takeover after Beyond War Dome 1989— his abrupt stoppage of his anti-Codger rants and the angle where Fantasy “poisoned” his wrestlers so he could write himself off TV, then bringing back of Mr. Tycoon as an authority so that his corporation could go through the contracts and figure things out. Dan Mixer of the Wrestling Viewer (the in-world dirt sheet) had also hinted that there were problems with the contract itself.

This led to Mr. Fantasy almost stroking out on live P4V when Mr Codger showed up at the Cruiserweight Cup as 50% owner. The joint venture started out very rocky, with Tycoon acting as a mediator, but the two quickly realized that they complimented each other— Fantasy with his creativity and boldness coupled with Codger’s wisdom and experience made for a formidable leadership team.

That lasted until Beyond War Dome 1990, when Fantasy revealed he had been working on ABCW Phoenix, a themed restaurant he hoped would become a national chain. (ABCW Phoenix will probably be my Jan 1990 post, because it became a character itself.) Codger went ballistic because he was out of the loop. But they were forced to quickly set aside their differences when Mr Tycoon, in a shocking heel turn, invested in a rival company and took several of ABCW’s stars with him. Fantasy and Codger were forced to rebuild with less cash (due to the restaurant investment), but they managed to rebuild the company, and welcomed back several of those stars when they returned after the rival’s immediate collapse.

This is why I don’t use codger

[branana06]

Will Arizona's Bigsky Championship Wrestling ever pick up again? That would be a proboards comeback story to rival even Mystmotone's in Survivor.

[Thumper Moore III]

Jul 23, 2019 3:10:52 GMT -5 branana06 said:

Will Arizona's Bigsky Championship Wrestling ever pick up again? That would be a proboards comeback story to rival even Mystmotone's in Survivor.

Quick answer: yes, and soon.
Long answer: I’ve been away this week on a long-needed vacation, and pretty much put my phone and the internet away. I’m now waiting on the store to give me one last key component and then I’ll be able to pick up where I left off.

[Thumper Moore III]

The Final Synopsis

I’m literally waiting on one key card to be able to get back on track. So, this final synopsis will attempt to catch up all the remaining storylines. I’ve already summarized the HFK/Jessie Wild storyline, the Dude and Lazer bromance, the ballad of Nuclear Warhawk, the world building involving the ownership power struggle, the Wrestling Viewer and Dan Mixer, and ABCW Phoenix. Here’s most everything else going on in one sentence apiece:

Def Row went on a losing streak, brought in Valkyrie as an “insurance policy”, and went on a win streak until she became enamored with the debuting VTC.

Average Guy, Dragonfly and O’Hooligan left the company, came back, were gazed upon return, and now find themselves embroiled in a feud with Ezekiel and Vegas, who are on a crusade to rid ABCW of anyone not fully committed to the cause, except for O’Hooligan who turned heel-ish.

Chicano went on a losing streak, and announced he was going to Miami to train and come back tougher than ever.

Undermaster, Exotic Rick, and Dark Mauler formed an alliance to usher in the Year of Darkness in 1991. They have been somewhat successful, but an injury to Mauler derailed their plans for world domination.

HFK is hanging out with Big Rig, his new best bud.

Hunk and Ace still hate each other.

Big Bad Doctor has sustained a concussion, and has reverted back to his former Dr. B persona intermittently. He also has eaten an amazing amount of food at ABCW Phoenix.

And, with the addition of some new faces, expect a few surprise entrants over the coming months.

[Thumper Moore III]

Current (second week of June 1991) champs:
World— Ace of Spades (#1 contender Undermaster)
TV— Mighty Leo (#1 contender Exotic Rick)
Cruiserweight— Masakari (#1 contender TBD)
Tag— Dude Brohan and Lazer (#1 contender TBD)
Ladies— Chaka Crass (#1 contender TBD)

Feuding:
Average Guy and Dragonfly v O’Hooligan and Flawless One
Average Guy and Dragonfly v Smooth Criminals
Chief Buffalo v Average Guy
Chief Buffalo v Freedom Fighter
Undermaster, Exotic Rick, Dark Mauler, and the Gladiators v Lazer & Dude
“” “” v Cool Kids
Ace v Hunk
Smooth Criminals v Grunge Bros
Nuclear Warhawk with Ryan Regret v VTC and Valkyrie
VTC and Valkyrie v Mighty Leo and Mynx
Chaka Crass v Mynx
Nuclear Warhawk v Freedom Fighter and Teeny Norman

As you can see, there’s a lot of overlap, just as there was in the heyday of the Attitude Era. There’s also quite a few bit players. The only one of my main people I still have to acquire is Average Guy, who as you can see is involved in three different feuds. I’m going to pray he pops up in the store in the next week, because:

ON AUGUST 1, ARIZONA’S ABCW IS REBORN!!

[Thumper Moore III]

TV ad for Weekend Attitude, June 1991

A dark room. An ominous orchestral score plays softly. A silhouette of an extremely muscular figure walks slowly into the shot and starts to speak.

“Hello Lazer. I know you know who I am. You also know we have unfinished business. You know that years ago, before you came to ABCW, you and I trained together, broke bread together, chased women together... and then IT happened. You know what I mean. And you got the glory and left me behind. But when I show up in Phoenix— and it’ll be soon—“ The sculpted man stepped out of the shadows and into the light. “They’ll forget about you like they forgot about me. But now, I’ll make sure everyone remembers my name: Flex Deltoid.”

[Thumper Moore III]

June 1991 Sports Entertainment (I’ve waited six months for that line)
Boise, Idaho

“So, no BuZZsaW, no Samson, and no Cabb... who DO we have under contract from our takeover, Fantasy?” Codger and Fantasy were poring over reports strewn everywhere across their desks.

“Well, we’ve already known about Flawless One and the Grunge Brothers, but it seems the Seattle Territory was very big on musical acts. There’s these three boy band wannabes— they call themselves FrontStreet— and I think there’s this other group that’s like their tattoo artists or something, the Gage Guyz. Then there’s these other weirdos with face paint and leather, Mass Destruction.” Fantasy looked dejected. “That’s it.”

“And Queen of Mean is gone,” Codger said. “We thought she was locked up, but it turns out she was on one of those per-show contracts as well. We’ll have to figure out something else to do with Spunky Sparks.” Just then, the office door opened and Average Guy entered. “Guy, great to see you. Please have a seat.”

1. In an opening trios match, FrontStreet fell to Mass Destruction. The crowd knew what to do with these wrestlers, who were newcomers to ABCW, but not to this area of the country. In what could best be described as a subpar match, it ended when Chopper nailed MC Frosty with the Spiked Piledriver.

2. Backstage, Honest Al was with Valkyrie and VTC. Al began, “How are you all making this work with all of the legal rigamarole that Nuclear Warhawk and Ryan Regret are putting you through?” VTC took a big breath through his huge nose.

“Well Al, we’re working around it. It’s actually very simple: Nuke thinks he can avoid us with restraining orders and fake injuries. We think we can avoid him avoiding us because there’s a large network of people he’s pissed off since he’s been here— Freedom Fighter, Teeny Norman, every woman he’s attempted to sleep with, which is pretty much the entire ladies division. There’s no shortage of ways to get at him. It’s actually fun— we have to creatively get under his skin until—“ Valkyrie put her finger to VTC’s lips. “Not yet,” she said. “We don’t want to tip our hand.” Val and VTC silently walked away, leaving Al intrigued by what they had planned.

3. HFK defeated Exotic Rick in an excellent one on one match. Big Rig stood guard at ringside, and no one from the Darkness attempted to interfere. HFK took advantage of a missed corner attack by Rick and nailed the Skye High Kick for the win.



The camera cut to backstage. Codger and Fantasy were with Average Guy. “So, it’s this or my big bootie hits the dusty road?” Average Guy looked dejected. “Think of it this way, old friend,” said Codger. “You have the gift of gab. This is a way to still get in the ring sometimes, but the medical reports say you have to take it easier. You could probably find somewhere else to wrestle full time, but each match is going to make it worse. We use you full time at the announce table, and occasionally you get to show the fans you’ve still got it.”

Guy looked at the medical reports and the contract offer. With a tear in his eye, he signed the contract to become the new color commentator for ABCW.

4. Nuke came out to ringside with Ryan Regret. “I had wondered what people who live off potatoes look like, and now I know they look disgusting.” The Boise crowd booed vociferously. “But thanks to Ryan, I don’t have to be within 100 feet of any of you! I got a restraining order on the entire city! So, everyone vacate the front six rows right now. You can watch me defeat my opponent from a distance— just like you can watch while I take your girlfriend back to my—“ Thankfully, the music of his opponent hit, and Tatters Gage sprinted to the ring, slid under the bottom rope, and started wailing away at Nuke. Tatters looked great in his ABCW debut, hitting several high risk moves. However, as he was about to dive off the top rope, Nuke distracted the ref and Regret removed his neck brace and nailed Gage with it. Nuke Em followed as did the pinfall.

5. Undermaster and Dark Mauler were shown on video walking in a dark, fog-filled graveyard. No words were spoken until they reached a small stone chapel. They entered, and the door shut before the camera could enter. Inside, Undermaster’s gravelly voice could be heard. “Are you certain? There is no going back once the ritual is complete.” A female voice replied, “I am certain.” Undermaster replied, with a hint of sadistic joy, “I was hoping you’d say that. Mauler, begin.” The sound a a blade being withdrawn from its sheath was heard; a moment later, a scream of pain.

6. Dude Brohan and Lazer defended their Tag titles against the Grunge Brothers in a Tables Match. In a surprisingly decent bout, the champs retained when Brohan slammed Eddy Grunge onto a table and Lazer flew off the top through Eddy and the table.

After the match, as the champs started to celebrate, a huge, well sculpted man entered the ring behind Brohan and laid him out with a forearm to the back of his head. Lazer turned around to see Flex Deltoid blast him with a forearm as well. “How’d that feel, Lazer? How’d it feel to get blasted by the titanium plate in my arm? You’re the reason it’s there, and you’re the reason I was on the indies this past decade while you rose to the top!” Flex picked up Lazer’s lifeless frame and hoisted him into an Argentine Backbreaker. Officials came and separated Deltoid from Lazer’s broken body, with Dude just waking up and tending to his fallen friend.

[Thumper Moore III]

June 1991 Weekend Attitude
Reno, NV

“Weigh me again, douchebag.”

Nuclear Warhawk was at a scale that read 232. “I’m sorry, but you’re not a Cruiserweight, Mr. Warhawk,” said the med tech backstage. You’re clearly overweight for the division.”

“I said weigh me again or I’m going to sue you for malpractice.” Nuke stepped on the scale again, and Ryan Regret snuck behind him and put a small wedge underneath the pressure pad. The med tech looked down, and had a surprised look on his face. “I guess the scale was wrong. 217. You do qualify for the Cruiserweight division.”

Nuke looked over at Regret. “Thanks for getting me that title shot against Masakari tonight. Little Nuke is going to look great underneath some gold.”

1. Average Guy came to ringside decked out in a polka dotted suit complete with a polka dotted bow tie. As he took his place next to the play by play announcer to start the show, he received a standing ovation from the sold out casino ballroom. He stood up to acknowledge the crowd, and grabbed a mic. “I have the great pleasure to inform y’alls that we’s startin this show with a 20 man, ovadatop battle royale. We gots ten tag teams that all wants a shot at the champs next week, and theys gonna duke it out right now!”

The ten teams in the battle royal were: The Gage Guyz, the Grunge Bros, Destruction, Conquer and Command, Smooth Criminals, the Van Winkles, the Cool Kids, Def Row, and two teams representing the Darkness— the Gladiators and Exotic Rick (the Exotic Acolyte) and Dark Mauler. The bell rang and Conquer and Command both quickly exited the ring under the ropes and beckoned the others to fight. The other 18 guys all jumped out, forced Iron mask and Copper Commander back in, and tossed them.

Notorious BB was next out, eliminated when Brute body slammed him over the ropes and through a table that was arbitrarily at ringside. Eddy and Curt Grunge eliminates themselves and Tatters and Rager Gage with simultaneous over the top clotheslines to the floor. Mauler, Rick, Brute and Massacre then went to work picking off the remaining opponents one by one, dumping both Van Winkles and both members of Destruction.

Ezekiel managed to rally the remaining competitors against the Darkness, and scored a huge elimination when he locked Jacob’s Ladder on Massacre, and Vegas lifted Massacre over the top. Unfortunately, Brute then double clotheslined the Smooth Criminals over the ropes. Six men remained— the Cool Kids, 2-Zap, Brute, Rick and Mauler. 2-Zap went next, when Mauler simply grabbed him and Biel tossed him outside. Brute and Mauler then hanged up on Big Rig while Rick went after HFK. Rick eliminated himself when HFK pulled down the top rope when Rick charged him. Big Rig managed to flip Mauler over, but Brute gorilla pressed Big Rig over the top in an impressive show of strength. HFK dodged an attack, and a Skye High Kick sent Brute over the top to earn the Cool Kids a title shot.

2. Backstage, Dude and Lazer were with Honest Al. “Well, you know somethin’ Honest Al,” began Dude, “the Cool Kids are a deserving opponent for us. They’ve got speed, power, and heart. But what they don’t have is all the little Dudesters and all the little Lazers backing them up like we do. So, whatcha gonna do, Cool Kids, when Lazer and Dude run over you?!?”

“Dude, that’s all well and good, but there’s one other thing I have to address,” said Lazer. “Flex, I’m glad you’re making a name for yourself. You don’t have to do it at anyone else’s expense. Yeah, you got a raw deal a decade ago, but you did that to yourself. Not me. Not... her. You. So, man up, take ownership for your actions, and let’s live our own lives.”

3. In a tag team ladder match, Dragonfly and Suicide teamed up to form the Daredevils and defeated the Power Heroes when Dragonfly hit the Dragonstar Splash off a ladder onto Power Boy. Average Guy on commentary stated he heard from Mr. Codger that their performance earned the Daredevils the next shot at the Tag Titles after the Cool Kids.

4. Dirk Dungeon made his way out to face a mystery opponent. Circus music filled the arena, and the debuting Killer Klown wheeled down to ringside on a unicycle. Dirk’s eyes were wide with terror. He went over to the commentary desk and stated loudly enough for the first few rows to hear that he was terrified of clowns. He was encouraged by Average Guy to get back in the ring and face his fears, but he was unable to— he ran to the back and was counted out.

5. From ABCW Phoenix, Mr. Fantasy was live with Ace of Spades and Undermaster, seated across from each other, who will face off next week at Beach Brawl for the world title. “Gentlemen, thank you for agreeing to meet here. You have both agreed to keep things civil, as we’ve lost our ability to have wrestling events here. Any form of physical contact will result in an immediate suspension and the vacating of the world title. Understood?” Both men nodded while keeping their eyes firmly fixed on each other. “Now, Undermaster, you have something to say?” Undermaster stood up, and Ace quickly stood up as well.

“Ace, you’ve got a big problem staring you right in the eyes. Now, I know you’re a gambling man. You’re going to roll the dice next week, and it’s going to come up snake eyes. And then, just like Hunk, HFK, and all who oppose me, you will...ROT... IN... HA—“

“Would you just quit with your jaw-jacking?” interrupted Ace. “It ain’t gonna work, and you ain’t that good at it. And you ain’t that good in the ring either. And it ain’t that dark on the beach, so Ace is gonna put on sunglasses... baby oil... swim trunks...a floppy hat... flip flops... and my world title belt, and stomp a mud puddle in ya. And that’s the bottom dollar, cause Ace said so.” The two stared each other down as the camera faded out.

6. Dear God. Nuke won a title. With outside assistance from Ryan Regret, Nuclear Freaking Warhawk took down Masakari to win the Cruiserweight Title. Dan Mixer applauded this move in the Wrestling Viewer the next day, stating he had never seen a more visceral reaction of hatred from fans anywhere before. Mixer was excited to see what he might do with a midcard title, and said that he believes as long as Nuke can stay healthy and be as much of an @$$hole as he already is, the sky is the limit for him.

[MystMotone101]

Every time I think of Nuclear Warhawk, I can not stop thinking about his catchphrase "Hey, oh!"

[Thumper Moore III]

June 1991 Beach Brawl
Olympic Coliseum, Los Angeles

Backstage, Nuclear Warhawk was with Ryan Regret. “Ryan, you’ve been everything you advertised so far. You’ve given great legal advice, been instrumental in gaining my first title, and you’ve kept losers like VTC and Valkyrie away from me. There’s just one more thing I need.” Regret looked confused. “Little Nuke is lonely. He needs some companionship, and since I don’t have a match tonight, how about you find him someone to keep him warm?”

1. In the “creative has nothing for you but you’re too good to leave off the card” match, The Hunk defeated Flawless One via Hunka Dunk. With no build and an odd pairing, while the two put on a technically perfect match, the fans did not buy in. Dan Mixer commented that “this was a great match— for an episode of Weekend Attitude.”

2. HFK and Big Rig fell to the tag champs Dude and Lazer. This one was actually over fairly quickly, as HFK landed awkwardly after a top rope knee drop. The ref could be heard telling Lazer to “finish it”, and HFK quickly tapped to the Lazerlock. After the match, the entire Darkness faction (sans Undermaster) came to ringside and laid out Big Rig, Dude, and Lazer. Undermaster then stood just outside the curtain and did a slow clap of approval. They stood tall to close out the segment.

3. Ryan Regret was standing outside the ladies locker room. He motioned for someone to come closer, and Nuke appeared. Regret said, “The coast is clear. Valkyrie is headed to the ring for her ladies title match— you’ll be safe.” Nuke then three open the doors to the ladies locker room, wearing only his title belt and a banana hammock. He walked in and loudly announced, “The new champ is here— who wants to dance with the champ and his little friend?”

Screams were heard, and as Nuke ventured further in, the camera stayed outside. Out rushed Succubus, Valley Girl, and Spunky Sparks, all with terrified looks on their faces. A single scream could be heard inside. The camera picked up Nuke saying, “Wow, you’re a real beach bombshell. What do you say we head to my room and you make me explode? Hey-oooo!” Suddenly, a lifeguard charged into the ladies locker room. A scuffle was heard, and Nuke must have lost his belt in the scuffle, as he sprinted out of the ladies locker room as quickly as he could. At the door, Lifeguard Chip and Bombshell came out, with Chip holding the title belt. “You forgot this, you perv!”

Ryan Regret ran after Nuke, screaming that he was going the wrong way.

4. Valkyrie and VTC had started on their way to the ring for her Ladies Title match against Mynx, but sprinting past them was Nuke in his thong. Val caught him out of the corner of her eye, and tripped him. She then hit the Double Underhook Facebuster on the entrance ramp. Mynx and Mighty Leo, already at the ring, came down when they saw the commotion. Valkyrie grabbed a mic. “Mynx, you can keep that title. I’m going after his.” The four then walked back up the ramp, leaving Nuke laid out for 85,000 people to laugh at.

The camera then panned backstage, Lazer and Dude were on the trainers table when Flex Deltoid burst in and again knocked out the two bros with his surgically repaired forearm.

5. Honest Al was with Big Bad Doctor. “So, big guy, you’ve been out for a while now. How is the recovery from the concussion going?” “Well, Al, for the first time in my life, The Doctor has to visit the doctor. Pun intended. And, aside from him telling me that I need to stop eating at ABCW Phoenix so much— by the way, try out the new Dragonfly Munchies, they’re delicious—he give me a clean bill of health. Now I can go back to doing what I love: being the hottest rookie in ABCW! It’s time! It’s Doctor time!”

6. Main event time. The Undermaster took approximately twelve minutes to get to the ring. First fog appeared, then a bunch of minions dressed in black cloaks. Then Exotic Rick, Dark Mauler, and the Gladiators came out, each holding a torch. They flanked Undermaster as his entrance theme cycled at least three times while he walked slowly to the ring as a man of destiny. Ace’s music hit while Undermaster was still making his way to the ring. Ace beat up all six robed minions, tossed the Gladiators off the stage to the concrete floor, gave Rick an Ace Crusher, and then hit a second one on Mauler, all on his way to the ring.

When the match finally began, the two tore the house down with some great storytelling, power moves, and false finishes. Ace hit a Crusher on Undermaster, but when he went for the cover the Darkness (who had made their way to ringside one by one) all jumped on the apron. Ace dispatched them all to the arena floor, but it allowed Undermaster the time he needed to recover. Ace turned around— choke slam. Grave Digger. Average Guy was going ballistic on commentary about the “audathity of the thituation”. And then Ace kicked out. The crowd went nuts, Ace countered a second Grave Digger into another Ace Crusher and got the pin. Cue the Aceweiser celebration.

[MystMotone101]

Dang it Warhawk! That's not how you get a girl for Little Nuke!

[Thumper Moore III]

July 1991 Monday Night Live
Vancouver, British Columbia

Mr. Fantasy walked out to begin the show. “For the first time ever, ABCW is live from the Great White North!” Fantasy was beside himself with glee. “And we have a heck of a show for you tonight. But first, we have some business to take care of from Beach Brawl. I need Nuclear Warhawk and Valkyrie in the ring.”

Valkyrie made her way out with a smug look. Nuke stopped at the entrance ramp, Regret by his side and microphone in hand. “Now wait a minute, bossman. You know I have a restraining order on her. She can’t come within a hundred feet.” “That’s exactly what this is about,” replaced Fantasy. “You see, Valkyrie has made an impassioned plea to myself and Mr. Codger about the glass ceiling for women in this company, and she has persuaded us to allow the women to voluntarily compete with the men once again.” Regret and Nuke started screaming off mic about the indignity. “And Nuke, that’s not all. Mr. Codger and I have been discussing internally the merits of having a champion who has a restraining order on someone who can legitimately contend for the belt. And we’ve decided that either you drop the restraining order, or your contract with ABCW is terminated. And you will make that decision right now.”

Valkyrie stood in the ring pantomiming tearing up the order, while Nuke and Regret took a sidebar. Finally, Regret spoke. “Fine. We will drop the restraining order on one condition: that Valkyrie be fired if she lays so much as a finger on my client outside of sanctioned matches, and that if she attempts to go low on any man, she will be suspended.” Valkyrie nodded her approval. “Then the order is lifted as of now.” Just then, VTC exploded out of the back and blasted Nuke, and set up for the Double Underhook Facebuster. Nuke reversed it into a backdrop on the stage, and scampered off before VTC could recover. Fantasy said, “Go get ready— if you want your belt back, Lifeguard Chip has it. You can meet him right here, in this very ring, to battle for your Cruiserweight Title in our main event.”

1. A ladies tag team match kicked off the show, as they will take center stage for the month of July heading into Ladies Night, per Average Guy on commentary. Valley Girl and Chaka Crass defeated Princess Starbright and Spunky sparks in an adequate match.

2. Ezekiel came out to the ring and made quick work of Eddy Grunge, hitting Divine Intervention after a short match. As Ezekiel started to quote Scripture as he does after every win, a voice boomed from the PA system, “Ezekiel, be sure your sins will find you out.” Ezekiel looked startled for a moment, then quickly made his way behind the curtain.

3. Flawless One and Terry Van Winkle put on an absolute clinic to the delight of the Canadian crowd. Flawless came out on top via Flawless-plex. Flawless remarked after the match how he needed to speak with management about he was putting on the best matches on every card he’s on, and needs to renegotiate his deal.

4. Dirk Dungeon came out for his match with 2-Zap with t-shirt that read “NO CLOWNS ALLOWED”. He and 2-Zap had a solid match, and as he lined up for the Boomkick, the creepy circus music started. Dirk stopped what he was doing and turned around, looking for Killer Klown, and 2-Zap took advantage to find a window to land Death Row for the victory.

5. Lazer and Exotic Rick had another classic in their series. Brohan and Mauler were at ringside, but neither got involved in the match. In the end, Lazer submitted Rick with the Lazerlock. After, Mauler jumped up to try to beat up Lazer, but Brohan got involved. As Dude and Lazer cleared the ring, Flex Deltoid ran in, but missed with his forearm on Dude and instead got knocked outside himself. Dude yelled that if Flex wanted a match, all he had to do was ask. Flex yelled back that he would find a partner and take both of them on next week. Lazer looked disappointed.

6. Lifeguard Chip made his way to ringside accompanied by Bombshell, who received an inappropriate amount of catcalls from the fans. He was carrying, but not wearing, the belt Nuke misplaced during the thong incident at Beach Brawl. Nuke came to ringside with Ryan Regret. The match was nothing to write home about, and Nuke used his size advantage to get Chip in position for Nuke ‘Em, and won clean. Valkyrie came out to the ramp, grabbed a mic and demanded a title shot. Regret jumped on a mic, saying “My client will be happy to give you a title shot... when you’ve earned it. Go beat some of the top Cruiserweights, and then we’ll talk.”

[Thumper Moore III]

July 1991 Sports Entertainment
Provo, Utah

ABCW concludes its tour of the Pacific Northwest Territory with a stop in a 5,000 seat arena in Utah’s second largest city. Mr. Codger announced that despite Flex Deltoid’s challenge, the Daredevils had earned their title shot against Dude and Lazer and would be receiving it tonight in the main event. He also announced that a six-woman tag match would open the show, with the winning team all guaranteed matches at Ladies Night in two weeks.

1. Trixie, Mynx, and Bombshell squared off against Femme Fatale, Chaka Crass, and Gothica. Trixie and Fatale stole the show with a newly created “joshi” style that the fans hadn’t been exposed to. Mynx and Chaka Crass were excellent in their traditional western wrestling, and Bombshell and Gothica’s obvious shortcomings in the ring were made up for by their selling and playing to the crowd. In the end, Bombshell hit the Wipeout on Gothica for the pinfall.

2. Dirk Dungeon came out, mic in hand. “Well, it’s time to face my fears. The Klown is obviously a horrible person— why would you wrestle as a clown if you weren’t? So come on out, I’m ready.” The creepy carnival music filled the arena, and Klown rode in on his unicycle. Dirk almost left, but Average Guy encourages him to stay from the commentary booth. The opening part of the match was made up of Dirk ducking out of the ring whenever the Klown got near him. Dirk headed back up the ramp after the third try, when Ryan Regret and Nuclear Warhawk emerged from behind the curtain and stopped him. They actually encouraged Dirk to return to the ring with a pep talk.

Dirk beat the count at 9, and proceeded to have a terrific match with his nemesis, eventually landing the Boomkick for the pin while Nuke and Regret cheered him on from ringside. Dirk looked confused when they jumped in the ring to celebrate together, but went with it. Nuke picked up Klown and delivered a Nuke ‘Em for good measure. The three left together. The camera picked up something from Nuke that sounded like he said, “I hate clowns too.”

3. Backstage, Honest Al was with VTC and Valkyrie. They were staring at the TV screen, dumbfounded. Al put up a mic and said, “Care to comment on what we just saw?” VTC and Val looked at each other, VTC started to speak, then shook his head and they just walked away. (DUD! segment)

4. Jockeying for position in the extremely competitive tag division, Notorious BB won a surprising clean victory over Tatters Gage. Average Guy pointed out that Def Row now has singles wins in consecutive weeks, and appear to be building momentum.

5. Elfette, Princess Starbright, Spunky Sparks, and Succubus walked into what looked like a set from a sci-fi movie starship. They were each holding an invitation. They started questioning why they were there when a woman in a baggy jumper with a leather jacket walked in. “Stations everyone, we’re about to prepare for battle,” she stated in a military manner. No one obliged. “I said, STATIONS EVERYONE.” At this point, everyone took a seat at a different position on the set. “Sergeant Shipley has reported for duty, and my duty is to kick all of your tails in the Battle Royal at Ladies Night. Confirm.” Spunky Sparks said, “Aye, captain,” and was shot a nasty look by Succubus. Princess Starbright stood up and said, “You’ll have to go through me first.” Predictably, the Ladies ended up brawling and destroying the set in a fun segment.

6. Lazer and Dude went to the ring awaiting the Daredevils. The camera went backstage, and they were both out cold with pipes and tables all around them. Flex Deltoid walked to the ring and shouted, “You need an opponent. I’m right here.” Average Guy announces that the Daredevils would be unable to wrestle, so the titles would be on the line against Flex and a partner of his choice. Out came Big Bad Doctor and the match began. Flex started off against Dude. He decided to tag in Lazer who was chomping at the bit to get his hands on Flex, and Flex immediately tagged out to the Doctor.

The match storyline was Flex tagging in to beat up Brohan, then tagging out whenever Lazer got involved. The match ended when Lazer got a hot tag, finally blasted Flex, who tagged in the Doctor. Doc ate a Lazer Splash and then tapped to the Lazerlock while Flex screamed at Lazer that he would reveal his secret soon.

[Thumper Moore III]

July 1991 Weekend Attitude
Phoenix, AZ

ABCW returned home for the go-home show before Ladies Night. The preview for the show was narrated by Average Guy.

“We comin’ to you laaaahve from Phoenix, bubba! Tonight, the Darkness is gonna try to squash the lightnin’ bug when Undamastah an’ da Exotic Acolyte gonna take on HFK and Big Rig. Ruffian gonna try to beat da tar outta Michael T Woof, Nookyulah Warhawk gonna defend his cruisaweight belt, and Flex gonna spill da beans on his secret info about Lazah. An’ the ladies gone be everywhere tonight as they get ready for this weekend! But for now, we goin’ right to da ring for six man tag action, bubba!”

1. Mass Destruction teamed up against the Gage Guyz and Dragonfly. In a classic bout of mat wrestling vs high flying, Chopper managed to catch Rager Gage with a Spiked Piledriver for the win.

2. Flex Deltoid walked to the ring in street clothes. He was somber as he approached. “What I’m about to show you is graphic footage. If you have small children watching at home, I’d suggest you turn away now. Please roll the tape.”

The tape was date/time stamped Jan 1, 1981, 1:30am. The tape appeared to be surveillance footage from a convenience store. The grainy tape showed a car speed through the intersection just past the store parking lot and ran into a telephone pole. A large man with spiked hair got out of the passenger seat and ran off camera.

“Allow me to explain what you’ve just seen. In the early morning of New Year’s Day, 1981, a car driven by me, Flex Deltoid, with Lazer as the passenger, swerved to avoid a pedestrian and hit a telephone pole. Lazer, unhurt, abandoned me in that car. I was unable to move because the steering wheel pinned my shattered forearm to my chest. I required five surgeries, three stainless steel rods, and a year of rehab to regain full mobility.

“Lazer, in the time I was rehabbing and having surgery after surgery, do you know what you were doing? You were debuting in ABCW, winning the world title, and holding it off and on for the next decade. Me? I was working on the independent circuit. I was remembering what my body used to do alongside you as your tag partner. I watched your success. It fueled me to make it to the top. To ABCW. So that I could repay you for abandoning me all those years ago by ending your career.” Flex dropped the mic and walked backstage to stunned silence.

3. Undermaster and Exotic Rick were joined at ringside by the Gladiators and Dark Mauler. The put on a stellar match with the Cool Kids. Neither Undermaster or HFK figures in the finish, as Big Rig hit Rick with Road Kill for the win. Afterwards, the Darkness beat down the Cool Kids to stand tall.

4. Ruffian defeated MTW via the Keg Stand in another very good match.

5. In a move Dan Mixer claimed was “blatantly sexist” and “counterproductive to the idea of an all-women’s wrestling P4V”, the participants in the upcoming Battle Royal to determine the number one contender for the Ladies Title were paraded out in swimsuits. The only participant to decline was Valkyrie. The fans gave a huge reaction, but was it the right kind of reaction if they were to be taken seriously?

6. Average Guy said on commentary, “Nuke has main evented two shows this month. I’m looking up to heaven, bubba, because this is a sure sign that the Good Lawd is coming back and da end is near!”

Nuke was flanked by Ryan Regret and his new friend Dirk Dungeon. “So, many of you were wondering why I helped Dirk here out last week. It’s simple: clowns suck. Dudes wearing makeup are creepy. There’s nothing American about stuffing fifteen people in a VW bug, or riding a unicycle. He just needs to go. Besides, I see something in Dirk. With his Boomkick, and little Nuke as my boomstick— hey-oooo— we have a lot in common. So, Ryan has graciously agreed to accept Dirk into our fold as one of his clients.

That being said, for my title defense tonight, I wanted ABCW to put me up against the most deserving person. Someone who I have real animosity with, and who poses a real threat. Someone who is a man’s man. So, my opponent is—“

With that, The Schmuck walked out. Regret and Nuke started laughing so hard they fell over, while Dirk looked confused as he wasn’t in on the joke. The Schmuck was beaten in seconds. Valkyrie and VTC came out in protest armed with steel chairs, but Nuke reminded her that if she attacked him she would be suspended. So, she ran down and obliterated Dirk Dungeon with her chair, and raised it high above her head as she stared down Nuke to close the show.

[Thumper Moore III]

July 1991 Ladies Night
Scottsdale, Arizona

Ladies Night kicked off in style with fireworks at the home of the Murican Football League’s Arizona Redbirds in Scottsdale. Average Guy put over every lady on the card, and talked up the stakes of the Ladies Battle Royale and of the Ladies Title Match later that night.

1. In a match that would have felt at home in 1984, Princess Starbright defeated Valley Girl in a very good match. Both ladies proved they could still go, and though bitter rivals, they seemed to have developed a mutual respect, as after landing the Rainbow Connection and gaining the pinfall, Starbright offered Valley Girl help to her feet, and the two shook hands.

2. In the match of the night, Femme Fatale won a 4 star classic over Trixie and Elfette in a Lumberjill match, where the ring was surrounded by the participants in the Battle Royale. The end came when Trixie hit a Flying Head Scissors on Elfetter but was immediately rolled up by Femme.

3. The entrants in the Women’s Battle Royale were Bombshell, Gothica, Ms Misery, Sgt Shipley, Spunky Sparks, Succubus, local talents Bambi Bambino and Helga Schmidt, and finally Valkyrie. However, this was announced as a ten woman Battle Royale, and out the the ring came The Schmuck in a wig. He grabbed a mic, talked in a high pitched whine, and said that he was the tenth entrant. He rolled in and the bell rang. The actual women hanged up on him and threw him out immediately. Valkyrie then, one by one, threw out every participant except one.

The final two were Val and Gothica, and the arena went dark. When the lights came back on, Undermaster was standing in the ring. He nodded at Gothica, who somehow managed to press Valkyrie over her head and toss her over the ropes for the victory. Undermaster then raised Gothica’s arm in victory, and the two engaged in a short kiss before walking to the back together, as the only memorable moment from a very dull match.

4. The Grunge Bros, Smooth Criminals, and Teeny Norman were all backstage discussing the action. Somehow this became a 5* skit. Some of the highlights:
Vegas: “That loss for Valkyrie was a real heartbreaker.”
Eddy Grunge: “Shipley reminds me of this girl my friend Jeremy dated, and how alive she made him feel.”
Teeny: “Heh-heh! That move wasn’t nice, kids!”
You just had to be there.

5. Mynx managed to barely hold on to her Ladies Title, gutting out a time limit draw against her arch rival Chaka Crass. She was favoring her left leg after Tass suplexed her into the guard rail and she landed on it calf first. Either she sold it incredibly well or something major was wrong. Average Guy put over the injury angle, and after the match, she was in tears as Mighty Leo carried her to the back.