Guts & Gory 2023 - Penguin Kai Karate Fight

[Kip Whistler]

Penguin Kai Karate Fight:
Penguino vs. Chad Shredsbury

[Penguino]

Penguino's titantron begins  to play on screen like usual but instead of "Where my mouth is" by Taking Back Sunday playing instead "Stay Vicious" by The Gaslight Anthem begins to play begins.

 Members of Penguin Kai come out of the backstage area and start doing a formation and combination of shadow punching and kicking in unison. Then Johnny Kobra comes out with Penguino following shortly after,  Johnny steps to the side and bows towards Penguino as do all the members of penguin Kai. A flaming  cinder blockj rises from the stage and when it stops rising Penguino karate chops through it and shouts towards the crowd.

Penguino and Johnny Kobra make their way up the ramp towards the ring while the students head back to the backstage area. Penguino shakes hands and signs posters  to kids in the front of the crowd and enters the ring waiting for his opponent.

[Chad Shredsbury]

The lights go dark and a series of gongs and flutes and koto play out as a spotlight shines on an oiled up Chad Shredsbury.  He is shirtless, wearing karate pants with a black belt and a red bandana holds back his flowing blonde locks.  Four men in karate gi with bamboo sticks surround him.  Chad clenches his fists and strains every muscle in his body as the four men begin whacking him across the legs, chest and abdomen with the sticks.  Shredsbury stands still, tense, and takes about  20 shots before the men relent, bow, and exit.  "It Could Have Been Me" by the Struts hits and a sweaty, welted up Chad begins making his way to the ring.  

LeRay:  What... in the Lord's name was that?

Beeman:  That was... uh... it's hard to say.

LeRay:  That was the sign of a man who is totally unhinged.

Beeman:  Maybe.  It was also the most bad ass thing I've seen in the last forever.

LeRay:  That was tough to watch, Sean.

Beeman:  Maybe for you.  Clearly there has been some serious training going on at Chad's Mojo Dojo Casa House.

LeRay:  Is that a real thing?

Beeman:  I like to think so, LeRay.  Note, that the ring ropes have been removed for this match, and while I have no idea what other rules are in play for it, I can't wait to see it. 

LeRay:  I'm not so sure of that myself.  But I'm sure esteemed JWA official Rothburn Sallie will have it all under control.

Beeman:  I'm not even sure that person works here, but sure.  And as Chad Shredsbury steps into the ring, Penguino looks like he cannot wait to get a piece of him.  But Sallie calls both men to the center to bow to one another and they begrudgingly do.

LeRay:  And immediately following that, we have an vicious exchange of knife edged versus flipper chops.  That's karate?

Beeman:  That's awesome.  And I'm not so sure Penguino is making the right choice here thinking his flippers are going to do what 4 giant sticks could not about 10 seconds ago.       

[Penguino]

Leray "I guess  you were right Beeman as Penguino backs off after a few strikes form Chad and the surfer seems rather unphased from the exchange."

Beeman "Ha!" Beeman stands up and starts doing a victory dance.

Leray sighs while in the ring Chad Shredsbury isn't too sure what he is allowed  to do and looks at Penguino who starts to hop towards him and hits him with a kick to the legs followed by a straight punch to the face which seems to stun Shredsbury. 

Leray "Penguino now coming back into the match with more strikes including flipper chops right Sean."

Beeman (Who is sitting back down) "I guess but it was only because his guard was down."

Leray "And that would be right. Penguino hits a massive chop followed by a jumping knee which sends Chad to the mat and the ref doesn't know what to do."

Beeman "Ok first off do penguins even have knees is him kneeing Chad even possible and also why was nobody told the rules of this match."

Leray "Now look at Penguino celebrating, does that give him a point or something?"

Beeman "I don't  know but either way Chad is back on his feet and now he is on a flurry of kicks and punches which send Penguino down to the mat. I guess they're tied."

Leray "I guess but look it seems to get order to the match Sallie has now pulled out a textbook on the rules of Karate."

[Chad Shredsbury]

LeRay. While the ref is looking that over, Chad shrugs and pops a knee right into Penguino’s beak and both man back away, wincing in pain. Not sure what he was going for there, and as I look at this rope less ring they are in, it begs the question about Shredsbury, that this is a match where he cannot do either his patented hang 10 not shred the gnar without ropes.

Beeman. That wasn’t a question, LeRay. And while you were rambling, the combatants have recovered and they are facing off again. Palm strike from Chad, pushes the bird man back, but he doesn’t exit the combat zone. No point!

LeRay. Combat zone?

Beeman. Well now Johnny Kobra calls for Penguino to sweep the leg, but Chester— errr… Chad jumps over the sweep attempt and lands a low kick roundhouse to the chest of the flightless one.

LeRay. But Penguino catches it and brings the flipper’s equivalent of an elbow down on Chad’s knee. Chad hits the deck and Penguino flaps up and down and that’s as excited as I’ve ever seen him.

[Pierre The Enormous]

OOC: Somewhere Jeff Probst is screaming you have to stay in the attack zone

[Chad Shredsbury]

LeRay. Penguino is so enthralled with his celebration as he hops and flaps that Chad clocks him on the beak with a super kick.

Beeman. In karate we call that a thrust kick, LeRay.

LeRay. When did you become a karate guru?

Beeman. Excuse me for being educated at my job.

LeRay. Ok. Well, either way, Penguino once again has not gone down and Rothburn Sallie is very carefully monitoring the action. Shredsbury attempts to follow up with an elbow strike but Penguino blocks, sidesteps and throws a… thrust kick of his own. The crowd is roaring “beach bum” at Chad, but he also is somehow still on his feet.

Beeman. Penguino hooks his arm for a judo throw and whips Shreds to the mat, but Chad rolls through to avoid the follow up strike.

LeRay. Indeed, Sean. Sallie calls no point on that. How many points constitutes a win here?

Beeman. Uh….wow! Look at that. Shredsbury is setting up for a crane kick and Johnny Kobra is losing it on the floor. He’s imploring Penguino to back off from this illegal maneuver.

LeRay. Penguino hangs back, but then goes low, ducking under the kick and taking out Chad’s leg from beneath and delivering a savage throat thrust for what Sallie is calling A point!!

Beeman. Wait… so a hopping kick is against the rules but punching someone on the throat is acceptable?

LeRay. I thought you were the expert!

Beeman. Can it, LeRay!

[Penguino]

LeRay “Now both men raise themselves back into their feet and get ready for the next round… I guess?”

Beeman “Of course LeRay what are you stupid.”

Johnny Kobra begins leading another “beach bum” chant with the crowd as the humanoid penguin spins around Chesterton where he would usually hit his suplex combo but knowing that isn’t illegal he instead kicks Chad in the back.

LeRay “solid shot onto Chas there and Penguino presses the advantage into Shredsbury.”

Beeman “C’mon Chaddy take out the legs.”

While LeRay laughs at Beeman comment Johnny Kobra distracts Rothburn and Penguino grabs one of the bamboo sticks and gives it to Chad and flops on the floor but Kobra distracts Sallie for too long and Chad hits Penguino with the stick and throws it out to the ground. When the ref turns around Chad hits Penguino on the floor and receives a point for it.

[Chad Shredsbury]

LeRay. I think with that they are evened up at 2 points each? But really, folks, I don’t know what’s going on here.

Beeman. And while Sallie advises Chad to go back to his corner, everybody’s favorite surfer cannot help but to jump up and spin around like he’s just won Olympic gold. You’ve gotta admire the kid’s enthusiastic enthusiasm.

LeRay. Well Sallie waits it out and Chad does in fact kneel now in his corner. Right beside the kendo stick he just cracked Penguino with.

Beeman. A weapon that was handed to him by his opponent I might add.

LeRay. True… now Penguino approaches and Chad hops up and smashes him right between the eyes with that stick! Penguino is dazed! Rothburn Sallie is scratching his head. How is there not a penalty for that?

Beeman. It’s classic Chinese stick bug style! Everyone knows that.

LeRay. I definitely do not know that! Sallie is going for the rule book again! How does he need to look this up?!

Beeman. Chad follows it up with a very solid looking roundhouse to the side of Penguino’s head this time and the man bird drops to his knees.

LeRay. And while Sallie thumbs through the rules, Johnny Kobra slides in and kicks Chad right in the family jewels. I guess he didn’t like stick bug style.

Beeman. I really wish Kobra would stay out if this.

LeRay. Well I think he’s just helping Chad to learn the legendary nuts to foot style.

Beeman. Very funny.

[Penguino]

LeRay “Now Sallie is looking up and says he sees nothing against using weapons in the rule book.”

Beeman “Yeah.”

LeRay Now Penguino seems to be wanting to take advantage of it and ducks a Shredsbury clothelimg and grabs a chair thrown to him by Johnny and clocks Chad with it.”

Beeman “What how is that fair he just hit him with a chair.”

LeRay “It’s all legal now Sean as you just expressed happiness in. Penguino hits the surfer with a chop and now Chad is going low and grabs one of Penguinos feet and he grabs it and spins him around into an ankle lock looking maneuver but his foot pops off. Fake foot!”

Beeman “How is this fair didn’t Sallie check them before the match.”

LeRay “Apparently fake feet are legal in a karate match. Penguino is pressing Chads shock and begins to overhand flipper chop his chest.”

[Thumper Moore III]

Nov 1, 2023 12:22:26 GMT -5 Penguino said:

LeRay “Now Sallie is looking up and says he sees nothing against using weapons in the rule book.”

OOC: The Air Bud Rule! Well played!

[Chad Shredsbury]

LeRay. Chad Shredsbury is firing back with a series of left and right jabs, but Penguino is swatting each of them away.

Beeman. Where did he learn that kind of defense?

LeRay. I don’t know. It almost looks like he’s applying and removing wax from a car with alternating hand movements.

Beeman. Like I said! Where did he learn that from?

LeRay. I still don’t know but it looks like as far as this karate fight Penguino is the best around! And it’s been a cruel summer for Chad Shredsbury.

Beeman. I can’t handle this, LeRay! The karate or The 80s pop culture references!

[Penguino]

LeRay “As I make my partner go insane here allow me to continue running play by play. Penguino is still managing to block the flurry of punches that is being given to him from Chad Shredsbury. Penguino ducks to the side and lands a kick to the face of Chad before he manages to hit a front drop kick style move that sends Chad flying backwards.”

Beeman “D’oh. C’mon Chad get back in there.”

LeRay “Talk about a pop culture reference.”

Beeman “Why you little.”

In the ring Chad rushes back towards a celebrating Penguino with a thrust kick combo of three followed by a knee which sends Penguino to the floor but the humanoid Penguin quickly rolls through. Johnny shouts at Penguino to hit the body and Penguino obliges and starts kicking the stomach of his opponent in combinations of three.

[Chad Shredsbury]

LeRay. Chad is slinking back and Sallie appears To have awarded Penguino another point for causing him to retreat. Is that 3-2?

Beeman. Yea, but I know that stance Chad is in. He’s going iron monkey on him!

LeRay. What’s an iron monkey?

Beeman. You’ll see.

LeRay. Did Shredsbury just pull nunchucks out of his pants? Like, he’s just had those in there all along?

Beeman. Yep. Iron monkey. And somebody is about to get my chucked in the face! Look at that form!

LeRay. Oh my word! Shredsbury just nunchucled himself in the face!!!

Beeman. Disqualify Penguino!

[Chad Shredsbury]

LeRay. Shredsbury has nearly knocked himself senseless with those nunchucks.

Beeman. He clearly didn’t give himself enough time to master iron monkey.

LeRay. Rothburn Sallie is checking on him to see if he can continue and Penguino is nearly doubled over laughing at him.

Beeman. He’s making Chad mad.

LeRay. Well, Mad Chad is going to continue after all. But Sallie is taking the nunchucks away from him. He hands them out of the ring to Johnny Kobra—

Beeman. Why would he give them to Johnny? That’s a terrible idea.

LeRay. A terrible idea indeed as Chad now has dig into his pants for something else… how much has this guy hidden in those pants tonight? He throws salt in the eyes of Penguino.

Beeman. I think he was just trying to salt his beak.

LeRay. Unacceptable on every level! Penguino is blinded and Shredsbury whips him over with a Japanese arm drag and a pinch pt the heart for a point. And now he throws him off the ramp onto an irate Johnny Kobra! This is despicable! Penguino is crumpled up and can’t even see what to do. And Rothburn Sallie is applying a ten count? Now he knows the rules without looking them up?

Beeman. At some point the instinct just kicks back in. Never as a doubt that Sonny had this one under control!

LeRay. It’s Sallie.

Beeman. Even better.

LeRay. And there’s the 10 and that’s all for this one folks. What a disappointment.

Beeman. For the students of Penguin Kai, no doubt. But for the trainees at the Mojo Dojo Casa House, well… their reputation will be soaring n the months ahead.