JWA Glory Episode 176 - Mad Dash Tag Lottery Semi-Final #1

[Kip Whistler]

Greetings, grapple fans!

Tonight begins the second ever Mad Dash Tag Lottery, where teams of randomly paired competitors will do battle to earn a shot at the World Tag Team Championship! Can they coexist? Will we see a new bond formed between former strangers, or even enemies? Who will succeed? Who will implode? Only time will tell. Tonight's first semi-final match will pit the interesting team of Red Pirate Rogers & The Greatest Wrestler OF DOOM against the antagonistic team of Arizona Chance & Mack Caliber. There's a ton of history between Arizona and Mack, dating back almost the entire history of the JWA, and for the most part it's been adversarial. Considering that Mack is just one of the challengers to Arizona's World Heavyweight Championship coming up at Super Glory, that makes it even less likely that these two will be able to get on the same page. That being said, DOOM has yet to show us anything really to demonstrate that he is a capable competitor in the ring, meaning that more likely than not Rogers is going to have to pull the bulk of the weight. Which team will be standing tall at the end of the night, one step closer to a shot at the tag team gold? 

(The polls will be open for at least 24 hours. It doesn't matter who you vote for, just that you participate!)

Next week's semi-final will feature the reunited (against their will) team of Big Waves and they take on Bad Luck Bradley & Omega Satyros. Depending on who you ask, it would seem that Brad and Satyros are either getting along swimmingly, or they're no better off than Pierre and Shredsbury. Bradley and Satyros have a tune-up match scheduled for tonight against The Wheelin' Dealers. As for Pierre and Chad, I can't even guarantee that they'll both be in the studio at the same time unless they are forced to be. Hopefully we'll hear from them to get an update on whether or not they're putting in any preparations for this upcoming match or not.

Perhaps lost in all of this chaos is the fact that, at Super Glory, Duke Mongoose and Penguino will have to defend their titles against a team that they will have very little time to prepare for. Duke constantly refers to them as the "Forever Champs", which doesn't seem like as much of a brag lately now that they've broken the record for the longest tag team title reign in JWA history, but even the best teams can fall victim to overconfidence. We expect to hear from the tag team champions on tonight's program.

I alluded to Mack Caliber being one of Arizona Chance's challengers at Super Glory, and that's because after a series of draws in matches to determine the next challenger, Arizona decided that he would simply face all four of his top challengers at once! That's right: at Super Glory Arizona Chance will defend the World Heavyweight Championship against Mack Caliber, Duke Mongoose, Chad Shredsbury, and Omega Satyros. Each man has a claim to a shot at the title, and they'll all get their chance. Speaking of chance, what chances does the champion have of retaining in this situation? On paper the odds don't look good.

There's been buzz on the interwebs and even backstage at the JWA Studio that "Relentless" Conor Caine is planning on returning to the squared circle at Super Glory. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Caine gets regular check-ins from the JWA medical staff, as well as his own doctors, and he simply will not be cleared to compete again in time for Super Glory. That is, barring some kind of miracle or divine intervention. Fans, just remember that good things come to those who wait, and Caine's return to the ring will certainly be worth the wait whenever it takes place.

It was made official last week that "The Mean Queen" Jessie Aldean will defend the Women's World Championship against "The Huntress" Artemis at Super Glory. Artemis has currently surrounded herself with her Hunters which pose a threat to any competitor caught unawares. However, the champ has Big Chief Buffalo on her side and he's been proven to be a one man wrecking ball. We hope to hear from both champion and challenger during tonight's broadcast.

Winter Hex keeps inserting herself into whatever is going on with Mack Caliber as of late. She's not one to tell tales, so is there perhaps something going on behind the scenes that we are not privy to?

Daisy Turner has taken some time away from the ring following her unfortunate string of results, but when she's ready to return she'll show everyone why she's the standard bearer of our women's division and a threat to ANY championship in JWA.

Let's get this show underway! Get out there and work your gimmick!

[Duke Mongoose]

Honest Sal: Please welcome my guest at this time... Duke Mongoose!

(The fans erupt in boos as Duke struts through the curtain and toward the podium. As has become customary, he is wearing his yellow "FRVR CHMP" shirt along with blistering pink and green Zubaz pants, a variety of feathered boas, and always sunglasses indoors)

Sal: Duke, it's been an eventful week. First and foremost, congratulations on being half of the longest reigning tag team champions in JWA history.

Duke: Thanks, Sally Boy! With a partner as rough, tough, and dangerous as my boy Penguino, was there ever any doubt that we'd be the greatest team of all time?

Sal: Also this past week we learned that you'll be one of four challengers facing Arizona Chance for the World Heavyweight Championship in a 5 way match at Super Glory. That's in addition to defending your World Tag Team Championship against whoever wins the Mad Dash Tag Lottery.

Duke: Whistler loves to play games with Big Daddy Duke, it seems. No worries, though! The Man with the Superior Exterior always puts in the work and Big Daddy Duke will be ready to go all night if he has to! It won't be the first time! Ask around!

Sal: I'll pass. With all of the variables and pieces in play in this tag team tournament, who do you think is going to win here tonight?

Duke: Arizona and Mack are family. Family fights sometimes. At the end of the day, I think their bond is stronger than Rogers and DOOM.

Sal: So you think Chance and Caliber advance tonight?

Duke: No way! I said their bond was stronger. That doesn't mean that Mack isn't going to use this opportunity to weaken Chance ahead of Super Glory! I think Rogers and DOOM are going to reap the benefits of a double cross and move on!

Sal: Well then, what's on the docket for yourself and Penguino, seeing as you're not competing again until Super Glory?

Duke: In the short term, we're having a big celebration of our record breaking title reign at Killie's tonight! I've rented out the back area and everyone is invited!

Sal: I thought you weren't welcome at Killie's.

Duke: Money talks, Sally Boy! And besides, I had my boy Penguino set the whole thing up! Jackson loves Penguino! Now, you'd better call your grandmother, Sal, because this interview is over!

(Duke poses aggressively, manages to get a boa snagged on the podium and drags it about a foot before it pulls him back, then he pulls it off of his neck and drops an elbow on it before leaving the studio)

Sal: Well... uhh... there you have it. Let's send it over to Mick and Sean.

[Pierre The Enormous]

*I lumber my way to the podium*

Sal: It's good to see you again Pierre

Pierre: Good to see you too Sal

Sal: So about the Mad Dash...

Pierre: Won't lie I wish I had a different partner...

Sal: I see...

Pierre: He was like a little brother to me... now I can't stand him... but I'll try to put my prejudice aside...

Sal: *nods*

Pierre: I'll be at Killie's if the Boss needs me... Duke's gonna be there apparently and Jax will no doubt have his hands full

Sal: See you later Pierre

Pierre: See you

Sal: Well I'm Honest Sal and that's the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth

*I give everyone at ringside a hug and a head scritch*

[Thumper Moore III]

Hysteria by Muse begins, and the arena goes dark. A single spotlight silhouettes Arizona Chance as the guitar kicks in, and the arena is bathed in white light as the band begins.

LERAY: There’s your JWA Champion, Arizona Chance! He has a serious look on his face, and he waits on stage for his partner. Perhaps they’re doing a joint entrance? Wait, Arizona is asking for a microphone.

BEEMAN: Great. We get to hear from the World Chump.

ARIZONA: Mack, on Mania, you ruined a perfectly good match between myself and the Greatest Wrestler of Doom. I don’t care why you did it. I don’t care if you meant it for our advantage tonight. I don’t need any unfair advantages, and neither do you. So come on out, and let’s do what we have to do to chase the gold… together.

LERAY: Arizona drops the microphone and there’s Mack’s music!

[“heartBROKEN” Mack Caliber]

I bust through the curtain with a microphone in my hand.

Yo Chance, I hear what you’re saying.
I don’t know if this is the prayer that you’ve been praying
But I agree we’ve gotta do what we’ve gotta do to get the gold.
And I’ve gotta do this, if I may be so bold.

I crack Chance over the head with my microphone. I pick him up on my shoulders, toss him skyward, and land a Magnum Slug. I then pick him up, hold him in a vertical suplex position, then walk to the edge of the stage and drop him through a table to the floor, Falcon Arrow style. I pick up my microphone as the doctors rush to his aid.

Yo Champ, I don’t think I can carry you in this tourney.
So, this begins and ends our tag team journey.
You might still get some gold even though I put you on the shelf—
Cause I’m gonna go beat both of these clowns by myself.

I stride down to the ring, ready to win what is now a handicap match.

[The Greatest Wrestler OF DOOM]

The classic tune “Aye-Aye, Cap’n” by MF Doom plays and a cannon blast is heard every 30 seconds with the word DOOM in an explosion bubble flashing across the Jerkatron in conjunction with the cannon fire. And out comes a very enthusiastic Red Pirate Rogers, with an apparently very excited Greatest Professional Wrestler of DOOM, who inexplicably has an eye patch covering the right eye of his mask. His cape, of course, has a Jolly Roger on the back.

LeRay: Well. Here comes perhaps the most unusual pairing of this tournament. But they really do seem to be oozing some type of synergy here.

Beeman: I am not sure what we are looking at here, LeRay. And I say this as a man who just witnessed a guy annihilate his partner during their entrance. This… this confuses me.

Rogers parries around DOOM, amping up his new friend, but DOOM jumps up and down, barely leaving the ground, and then rushes down the ramp to the ring. Rogers bites his lip for a moment and puts his hand over his face before giving chase. He catches DOOM about halfway to the ring, of course, where DOOM has stopped to steal a soda from a fan. Rogers hands the soda back to the fan, who clearly no longer wants to drink it as it is covered in DOOM’s slobber. Rogers coerces his partner the rest of the way towards the ring, where DOOM does a huge spin, whacking Red Pirate and several front row fans with his cape.

Rod C: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is a semi final match in the Mad Dash Lethal Lottery Tournament fo the number one contender to the JWA tag team contest. It is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, hailing from the seventh sea of doom!

Beeman: From where now?

Rod C: Weighing in at a combined weight of 675 pounds of Doom!

LeRay: That’s original.

Rod C: The original Pirates of DOOM! At Your DOOM!

[Red Pirate Rogers]

LeRay: Clearly, The Greatest Wrestler of DOOM is feeling pretty enthusiastic about his chances

Beeman: Chance isn't even out there LeRay. Caliber already took care of him! If DOOM was smart, he'd clobber Rogers and lay down so that Mack could have an easy go of it.

LeRay: If you get in the ring in the JWA you are willing to put yourself up against the best. Whatever else we think of DOOM, he's up there rather than behind a desk.

Beeman: ...really, Mick? ...That stung a little.

(DOOM is twirling again and Rogers stops him and directs him to the corner, no sooner is DOOM through the ropes than Mack Caliber charges the Red Pirate from behind and clobbers him to the ground)

LeRay: Another cheap shot from Mack Caliber!!

Beeman: About the only kind Rogers can afford with his career in tatters!

(Caliber delivers a short armed clothesline to his former partner turning Rogers inside out. DOOM looks on in a bit of fear, Caliber looks for a quick cover, but then changes his mind and stands up...ripping the jacket off his old partner and flogging him with it. DOOM backs up a step. Caliber laughs and picks up Rogers, lifting him for the Magnum Slug, but suddenly...)

LeRay: OH MY! Rogers with a tilt-a-whirl DDT planting Caliber into the mat!!

Beeman: Rogers better try to get DOOM in there...(the pirate is indeed slowly gathering himself to go make the tag)

[Omega Satyros]

Rod C: ...And their opponents, Omega Satyros and Bad Luck Bradley.

"Satyr" by Andromeda begins playing as Omega makes his way out. Bad Romance begins playing as Omega reaches the top of the ramp, and Omega rolls his eyes as he continues down to the ring, followed by Bad Luck Brad.

LeRay: The Wheelin' Dealers don't wrestle much any more, but Diablo was able to pull some strings to get them in for this match. Omega doesn't look too thrilled in his first time teaming with Brad.

Beeman: That goes to show that Omega is the second biggest joke in this entire company, and that's only because even he can recognize Brad is the biggest.

LeRay: You weren't laughing when Brad put up six points in the pinnacle, including two he got from outlasting a sheer assault from his now partner.

Beeman: Say what you will about Bad Waves and Arizona and Mack, there's championship caliber on those teams. Omega looks liable to join Chad and Mack in laying his partner out himself.

LeRay: If that little montage on Mania is anything to go by, that's not going to be enough to keep Brad down.

Panther Haberdashery starts the match, declaring it a tornado tag match at The Wheelin' Dealers request, and Omega immediately rushes to tackle Muddy Rivers to the mat, laying into the Mid-South Gentleman with a series of brutal punches. Jackpot Jameson is squaring up with Bradley as Tennis Pro is barking orders on the outside.

[“The Relentless” Conor Caine]

Feb 20, 2024 17:54:04 GMT -5 Kip Whistler said:

"Get out there and work your gimmick!"

The feed cuts backstage where we're seeing the last seconds of Kip's opening again on a monitor. We pull back to reveal Yuppie VP's office backstage: Yuppie is seated at his table with the monitor in the background, as Yuppie talks to somebody off camera.

YUPPIE: Alright babe, listen up. I'm sure you've caught wind of all the buzz online, and you just heard Kip's spiel out there: Conor Caine is out in Rhode Island pumping iron like he's about to step back into the squared circle, but the dude hasn't even cleared a checkup from us or his own docs yet. And from what I've seen in these reports, we won't be seeing him this side of Summer, I guarantee ya that!

Now I had a powwow with ol' Hito Kizuato a few weeks back, gave him the lowdown, told him to pass the memo to Conor, and to ease up on the heavy lifting for his own good. But it's been crickets over there since, and word keeps spreading that this guy's flirting with a potential injury comeback!

I've been punching digits into my phone, but ain't nobody picking up on the other end, and Conor's got zilch for buddies around here that I can tap into. But you and he got some kind of connection. He's got some respect for you at least. So maybe he'll take a call from you? He might even give a listen to a voicemail! I just need him to know, it's plain and simple, he's burning daylight with all this pumping iron nonsense. It's time for him to kick back, take a load off, and heed his doc's advice. Until he's done with his prescribed rehab and given the green light by us, the doors to JWA Studios are locked tighter than a Wall Street banker's briefcase, capeesh?

So what's the scoop, boobie? You gonna drop him a line for me? C'mon, whaddayasay?

The camera pans around to show Arizona Chance standing there with the JWA Title over his shoulder. The fans in the studio roar at the sight of him.

CHANCE: I can't promise I'll have any more success than you, but I'll give it a try.

Fade out...

[“heartBROKEN” Mack Caliber]

Shoulda known Rogers would have a new trick after eating the Slug last time we met. Now I gotta deal with the 8th of Snow White’s dwarves, Wheezy.

I hear the crowd roar as I get to one knee, and I know Red made the tag, so I brace myself for impact, but nothing happens. I look up, and see he’s got his cape tangled in the ropes. I shake out the cobwebs and get to my feet, and the ref has managed to get him untangled. He charges at me and I can’t get low enough to take the impact, and I end up flat on my back. I expect the assault to continue, but I don’t feel anything, I only hear heavy breathing. I look over, and wish I hadn’t, because Doom straightened up, took a step, tripped on his cape, and fell right on my chest. I manage to get a shoulder out before three, but Humpty Dumpty is still laying on my arm and I can’t seem to break it free.

[The Greatest Wrestler OF DOOM]

The Greatest Professional Wrestler of DOOM has the upper hand as Mack struggles to roll away once DOOM gets up to his knees. He has to use the ropes to slowly get back on his feet, but still manages to be up before a rattled Caliber. DOOM fires himself up by pumping his fists and throws a haymaker at Mack.

Beeman: That was not close.

Mack moves slightly at first, then watches as DOOM moves the eye patch covering part of his mask from his right eye to his left, then he swings again. Mack ducks, but rises assured that the second punch was nowhere near him either. As DOOM adjusts his eyepatch back to the right, the ever impatient Mack kicks him in the blubber, which does nothing at all, but then Mack attempts to hoist him up for what he hopes will be a Magnum Slug…

Beeman: I cannot believe the power of— OH MY GOD they’ve both fallen back directly over the top rope and onto the arena floor!

Even the official is afraid to look at what mangled mess lies outside the ring.

[Red Pirate Rogers]

Rogers hops down from the Pirate's corner and comes over to rouse DOOM.

Beeman: No fair! Mack doesn't have a partner to help him up!!
LeRay:...he doesn't have a partner because he attacked him before the match?
Beeman: Details!

(Rogers gets DOOM up and holds up three fingers, DOOM looks confused)

LeRay: I'm not sure it's reasonable for Rogers to ask DOOM to count that high...

(Rogers seems to have had the same thought, shakes his head and rolls DOOM back in, while looking contemptuously at Mack Caliber...)

Beeman: He's going to attack a man while he's down!!
LeRay: Sure looks like he wants to, but he's going to have to choose between taking revenge and tending his teammate...(Rogers grits his teeth and turns away from a slow to his feet Caliber)
Beeman: Oh man, even with a choice that obvious, of course Rogers will screw it up.

(Back on the ring, Rogers gets the tag. He bounces off the ropes and jumps over the ropes in an impressive plancha to hit Caliber and wipe him out again. As the ref begins his count, Rogers grabs Caliber and rolls him under the ropes. But when he spring boards back into the ring, Caliber is waiting...

[Artemis]

Toni: My guest at this time, Artemis

Artemis: Are you really using a different mic right now?

Toni: Can't be too careful with certain stars around here.

Artemis: Nonetheless, I'm sure you, like anyone with a functioning brain, are excited for Super Glory, where a Goddess takes that title, as opposed to that wannabe queen.

Toni: I'm not sure there's as much support as you seem to think, given the Chirpy trends Jessie started recently.

Artemis: Like I said, anyone with a brain. You think I care what those idiots online think? I showed exactly how brainless those types back when I was in AOE, every time they tried to interrupt me with Ace of Spades "Huh" chants.

Toni: I'm not sure anyone's going to be cheering for either of you.

Artemis: So be it, I'll be walking out of Super Glory with my deserved title, and if Chief Buffalo thinks he can outpower my Hunters, he's just as dumb as Jessie.

[“heartBROKEN” Mack Caliber]

I see the springboard, and I instinctively jump and turn it into a cutter. Red’s chin lands square on my shoulder, and I’m pretty sure he’s out cold. I roll him over, but at the two count I feel something soft but incredibly heavy come down on me, like a pillow made of lead. Doom actually made it across the ring to make the save. I turn to argue with the ref, because there’s no damn way he made it across the ring in under three seconds, so it had to have been a slow count.

Red starts to rise, and I grab him by the mask and pull him up. He takes a wild swing, which I duck, and turn it into a Blue Thunder Bomb. I wave my hand across my face, and drop a fist on his. I signal for the Magnum Slug, and then realize that Doom has just now gotten up from dropping whatever meaty part of his body that was on me.

I back into the ropes, and hit Doom with a flying shoulder, and he’s knocked off balance. I back up and hit another, and he drops to one knee. I retreat for a third, but feel my legs get tripped out from under me. Red. I’m getting stretched. Damn, he caught me in the Figurehead. I am dragging myself to the ropes, but don’t know if I’ll make it in time.

[The Greatest Wrestler OF DOOM]

As Mack fights for all he is worth to make the ropes and break the hold, Rogers pulls back, but Caliber is too strong. He reaches his fingertips just a millimeter away from the break, and DOOM leans down to him, wheezing a sweaty Lucha Pirate smile at the former champ. Mack’s eyes grow wide as DOOM flips him over and back into the center of the squared circle. DOOM lets out a hearty laugh and heads over to steal a drink from a fan.