2024 J-1 Pinnacle - B1 - Chad vs. DOOM

[Kip Whistler]

Round One in Block B:
Chad Shredsbury (0) vs. The Greatest Wrestler OF DOOM (0)

[The Greatest Wrestler OF DOOM]

“Accordion” by MF Doom plays as The Greatest Professional Wrestler of DOOM charges back and forth on the Staten before racing to the ring. His cape flaps and smashes the face of fan after fan until he stops and grabs a soda Freon a little girl. She reaches for it and begins to cry. DOOM hesitates. He looks from the soda to the child. He switches his eye patch from left to right. He frowns and slowly hands it back to her.

Beeman: DOOM is doomed for sure. He must stil have the voice of Red Pirate Rogers in his puffy ears. And without the killer instinct to steal of soft drink from a little girl, he is never going to defeat a thoroughbred like Chad Shredsbury.

DOOM races the rest of the way to the ring and rolls in, clearly winded. And also very thirsty.

[Chad Shredsbury]

“Good Vibrations” hits and the lights strobe. Serene waves ripple on the Jerkatron and Chad Shredsbury struts out onto the stage with an airbrushed surfboard depicting himself riding a wave over a sea of other J1 competitors.

Beeman. Great to see you back, Chad!

LeRay. I can see his ego hasn’t changed in his time away.

Beeman. Why would it, LeRay. The man is arguably the most prolific J1 performer we’ve ever seen.

LeRay. He drops to a knee and flexes with the hang loose fingers up in the air. Surprisingly I do hear a smattering of cheers for the beach bum.

Beeman. Your disrespect knows no bounds, LeRay.

LeRay. Sorry to disrespect a man who lied to the entire world about his identity and country of origin.

Beeman. Oh, get over it. I couldn’t stand it when he was pretending to be Welsh. He’s so much better this way.

LeRay. Well he’s in the ring now and he’s staring down the much larger Greatest Professional Wrestler of DOOM.

Beeman. Gross.

[The Greatest Wrestler OF DOOM]

DOOM walks forward towards Chad, wheezing after every step and Chad runs at him and flings his body at him.

LeRay “That’s the benefit of being huge, Chad just ricocheted off of DOOMS stomach.”

Beeman “This is a joke, he’s slapping his belly and watching it jiggle now, how is this guy in the company.”

LeRay “He was a tag team champion Sean, he deserves to be here. Chad gets up and punches DOOM and he punches him again and now Chad off of the ropes and a clothesline, The Greatest Wrestler is wobbling and Chad goes off the ropes again and DOOM runs back at him and bodies him. DOOM is now exhausted and he falls onto his knees to catch his breath.”

[Chad Shredsbury]

Beeman. The tubby one wheezes on his knees and the far fitter Chad is back up and dropkicks the Lucha Pirate square in his blubbery mouth. Take that, you identity conflicted clown!

LeRay. Sean, DOOM has never appeared as a clown as far as I can recall.

Beeman. Stuff it, LeRay! This is the good part here. Chad is going to make quick work of DOOM tonight! He’s coming in hot with a knee to DOOM’s mouth now. DOOM is taking shots to his cramhole like they were chicken wings!

LeRay. DOOM is wobbly after that last one. And Chad come off the rope again with a basement clothesline that finally puts the big man down and a cover from Chad gets only one!

Beeman. Count faster LeBiggun! Chad needs his rest for the rest of the tournament!

LeRay. DOOM rolls over onto all fours now. Shredsbury isn’t going to stop though. He runs in, steps off DOOM’s back, then springboards off the ropes to deliver an impressive lionsault onto DOOM’s back which he just jumped off!

Beeman. A triple jump Shredsault right out of Suicide’s playbook. DOOM may not get up for the rest of the tournament.

[The Greatest Wrestler OF DOOM]

Chad works very hard to roll a heavily wheezing and groaning DOOM over. He takes a few breaths to recover after finally getting the big guy on his back.

Beeman: I think Chad worked harder to roll this guy than he did doing all the kicks and flips that got him here.

Chad flips forward to cover DOOM again and Jack LeBiggun slides in and counts one-two, but a mighty kick out from DOOM sends Chad up and onto the referee.

Beeman: Call for the bell! DQ DOOM! He just threw his opponent at the ref!

A flustered Chad looks around. DOOM is slowly rolling to the ropes. LeBiggun is out underneath Chad. He tries to shake the ref conscious but it doesn’t seem to be working. DOOM, meanwhile, rolls completely out of the ring and to the arena floor.

[Chad Shredsbury]

Beeman. LeRay, I’ve lost sight of DOOM but if he’s just going to continue rolling up the ramp and back to the locker room, he may be smarter than I’ve given him credit for.

LeRay. He’s actually wedged himself under the ring, Sean.

Beeman. I take it back. After that opening beat down I don’t blame him for trying to hide from Chad but he’s gonna need a wider space than that to park his keister.

LeRay. No wait. He’s coming back out. He was getting something from underneath the ring.

Beeman. A weapon? Maybe he is smarter than I thought.

LeRay. A giant salami stick.

Beeman. I digress once again.

LeRay. DOOM is climbing back into the ring with that huge meat stick while Chad is finally looking up from trying to wake up the official. He’s going for the Salami Slap of DOOM that he dropped Connor Caine with!

Beeman. That’s illegal! I’m a little conflicted about this!

[The Greatest Wrestler OF DOOM]

DOOM winds up like he is in a batter’s box and swings for the fences. But Chad is well aware of what is happening and casually does a split and delivers a nut punch to DOOM as he spins himself in a complete circle and then barrels over, dropping his salami to the floor.

[Chad Shredsbury]

Beeman. That was interesting.

LeRay. It didn’t seem to go according to plan for the Greatest Professional Wrestler of DOOM, and now as he is doubled over, Shredsbury shrugs his shoulders and comes off the ropes with a scissors kick to drop the masked behemoth once again.

Beeman. This is hard to watch.

LeRay. It’s not ballet, as they say, Sean.

Beeman. I was referring to the way DOOM’s butt cheek blubber is rippling beneath his tights every time he face plants into the mat, but yeah. I’m not anticipating any pirouettes here tonight either, LeRay.

[The Greatest Wrestler OF DOOM]

LeRay: With no referee to count, Chad Shredsbury is forced to go back to trying to awaken Jack LeBiggun.

As Chad shakes the ref once again, DOOM manages to slowly get back on his feet. He sees Chad trying to help Jack to his feet. He sees the salami on the floor. He switches his eye patch from right to left and his for the stick of meat. He uses it to choke Chad from behind.

LeRay: Oh my word! What a vicious meat choke by the Greatest Professional Wrestler of DOOM!

Beeman: Are we really going to act like meat choke is a thing we call now?

DOOM continues to violently yank and pull as Chad grabs the stick and tries to creat enough space between it and his throat to catch a breath.

[Chad Shredsbury]

LeRay. Shredsbury appears to be getting some air and he makes a hard push towards the ropes, but no! DOOM yanks back hard in Chad and drops him to knee.

Beeman. This is madness, LeRay! I don’t even know how I feel about it!

LeRay. DOOM wrenches back again—

SNAP!!! A resounding snap echoes through the arena and without missing a beat the JWA faithful deliver a chorus of “OOOHH YEAH!”

Beeman. Was that Chad’s neck?

LeRay. It was the meat stick, Sean! DOOM is now staring at a pair of them, one in each hand! And the part of his face we can see looks completely stunned!

Beeman. He was probably stunned to see the sun come up this morning, LeRay. And now he’s face to face with the reigning J1 winner!

LeRay. DOOM looks back and forth from salami hand to salami hand, and Chad yanks both sticks away from him! What’s he doing?

Beeman. He’s spinning those cured meats around like a set of detached nunchucks. Haha! The so called Lucha pirate has come face to face with the surfing ninja!

LeRay. Where did Chad learn to do that? He whips DOOM with a salami! And a left salami! And a right salami! And another-whoa!! A meat stick ricochets of DOOM’s covering arm and hits Chad in the face!

[The Greatest Wrestler OF DOOM]

Beeman: That salami smashed Shredsbury’s face so hard it dropped him!

LeRay: Both salami halves are down. Chad is down! DOOM is kneeling, still covering up! The only thing finally standing back up is referee Jack LeBiggun!

As LeBiggun tries to figure out what all he has missed here, DOOM slowly begins to lower his arms and peer out of his one uncovered eye. Naturally, he switches his eyepatch over. And he stands up. LeBiggun looks at Chad. Salami. DOOM. Chad. Salami. DOOM. He begins a ten count on Chad but no sooner does he start than Shredsbury begins to stir. He sits up and begins to use the ropes to pick himself up from the mat. Just as he starts to clear the cobwebs from his head near the turnbuckle, DOOM capitalizes and smashes him in the face with a sweaty arm pit for a pit stop of DOOM! A once again rocked Chad collapses to the mat. DOOM follows up with a massive legdrop of DOOM! The referee hits the mat for a count as DOOM’s huge leg rests across Chad’s shoulders.

[Chad Shredsbury]

LeRay. Jack LeBiggun slaps the mat for one-two- but Chad kicks out! He’s gotta still be on dream street after the last few moments though.

Beeman. Why was there salami under the ring?

LeRay. Both men are very slow to get up here but Chad springs to the second rope and comes back with a beautiful disaster kick to DOOM! He quickly follows up with a barrage of forearms and knees.

Beeman. An impressive onslaught from Chad but I’m not quite sure any body blows are actually affecting the jiggly juggalo!

LeRay. There’s no evidence that DOOM follows the Insane Clown Posse at all, Sean.

Beeman. Ok… but can’t you see it jut a little bit?

LeRay. Off the record? I can practically se the face paint through his mask.

[The Greatest Wrestler OF DOOM]

The Greatest Wrestler of DOOM bails out of the ring and paces the ringside area, moving his eyepatch all around his head.

LeRay: DOOM is now looking for a fresh perspective no doubt.

DOOM stops at a hound lady who appears to be offering him her drink. He pauses a moment and then grabs it.

Beeman: Who is that attractive young lady and why is she giving that man her beverage?

DOOM guzzles the drink, chugging most of it and spilling the rest all over his singlet. Meanwhile, Chad comes charging over the ropes to deliver a plancha but a rejuvenated DOOM catches him with ease, presses Chad high above his head and drops him neck first across the barricade!

[Chad Shredsbury]

Beeman. I can hardly believe my eyes here, LeRay!

LeRay. It’s certainly shocking to see Chad in such dire trouble on night one, Sean!

Beeman. Not that! What was in that drink that made DOOM super strong, and that beautiful woman crazy enough to give it to him?!

LeRay. We may never know. But Jack LeBiggun is at a count of six as DOOM picks Chad up and presses him overhead again and this time launches him back into the ring.

Beeman. Oh I’ve got a bad feeling about this. DOOM is looking at the turnbuckle. He’s making his way to the corner. Yep. He’s going to the top rope. Didn’t he nearly start an earthquake the last time he went up there?

LeRay. Well, he is the Greatest Professional Wrestler of DOOM, Sean.

Beeman. Being from California I’m sure Chad Shredsbury knows a thing or two about what happens when tectonic plates move but this may be a seismic shift like he’s never felt before!