Territory Days: Arizona’s SWAG

[Thumper Moore III]

March 1985 Superstar Saturday
Canada Centre: Sold Out, 2*, $1530

“Hey yo... I’m back.”

The sold out crowd for SWAG’s first show after Valentine’s Massacre exploded in a chorus of boos when Chicano’s voice was heard over the loudspeaker. He had made his presence felt at that show by attacking Starboy, the TV Champ, after he narrowly defeated Copper Commander.

Chicano walked out from behind the curtain and waited for the crowd to die down before continuing. “Last night... when I told you I would be coming to take your title... I’m not going to make you wait long. I’m taking it... tonight.” Latin music filled the arena as Chicano sneered at the crowd.

1. Dangerzone defeats Brit Buckingham 2*— Dangerzone arrived carrying the American flag to the ring, while Buckingham waved the Union Jack. The crowd was mixed, with both countries having good relationships with Canada. Dangerzone was clearly the more athletic competitor, with Brit coming off as more ring savvy, grounding Dangerzone with headlocks and limb work, isolating the flyer’s right leg in an attempt to negate his mobility. It proved to no avail, as Dangerzone managed to reverse a Figure Four attempt into a small package, intentionally let Brit go, and then nail Need for Speed for the victory.

2. Arizona Chance defeats Big Thuggee 4*— While most would not expect an epic match from Big Thuggee in the second match of a card, Arizona has a way of bringing out the best in the big galoot. Arizona bumped all over the ringside area, crashing into the barricade, the steel steps, and taking a suplex on the bare concrete floor after Thuggee exposed it. Despite all this, Chance managed to dodge Thuggee charging into the ring post, roll him in, and nail the Last Crusade. An exhausted Arizona rolled onto his back after pinning Thuggee, and both looked like they had been through a war. The crowd gave the two competitors a standing ovation.

3. Iron Mask with Copper Commander defeats Michael T Wolf with Mighty Leo 2*— This match went about as you’d expect. They were even for a while, IM gains an extended advantage, Wolf makes a big comeback, IM distracts the ref while Copper Commander runs to ringside and clocks Wolf with a foreign object, IM applies the Arms Race, Wolf submits while Copper and Mighty Leo brawl outside. Leo cleans house after the match. While perfectly adequate, no one was elevated or buried. Moving on...

4. Flawless One defeats Damon Van Winkle 3*— After World Champ Flawless One defeated Terry Van Winkle at Valentine’s Massacre, he attempted to injure Terry, placing a chair over Terry’s ankle and climbing the ropes. However, Devin pulled Terry our of harm’s way, and Damon ran in and slammed Flawless One off the top rope, sending the fans home happy. That led to this encounter.

Damon looked invincible to start the match, popping straight up after a vertical suplex and sending Flawless cowering into the corner. Damon was able to apply the famed Van Winkle Claw several times, with Flawless able to escape to the ropes on each occasion. Damon went for the claw one too many times, as Flawless countered with a thumb to the eye. He hooked Damon’s leg, screamed “I hate your whole family!” and executed a Flawless-plex for the pinfall.

5. Starboy defeats Chicano to retain the TV Title 2*— Chicano dominated the match, displaying a huge power advantage over the much smaller Starboy. It looked like no contest, but Starboy was thrown into the ropes and rebounded into the Flying Cross Chop followed by a roll up for the victory. Chicano was infuriated and started pummeling Starboy. Security ran out to stop the attack, but Chicano swatted them like flies. The back emptied, and Officer Chip, Pop King, Max Attack, Jobber Joe, and Pat Cabbage managed to subdue Chicano. Chicano rolled out and grabbed a mic. “Hey yo. I may not have gotten your title... but next time I’ll take your mask.”

[Thumper Moore III]

March 1985 Sunday Night Slam
Chitown Complex, Sold Out: 2*, $1290

The show opened with ringside announcers Joey “Orangutan” Deluge and Johnny “Muscles” Pasadena informing the audience that four slots in the upcoming March Madness tournament had been reserved for the four active former champions in the promotion: Terry Van Winkle, Dr. B, Chicano, and the loser of tonight’s main event, where Arizona Chance would challenge Flawless One for the World Title. The winner would face Starboy for the World Title.

1. Dangerzone defeats Tennis Pro 2*— Announced as a March Madness qualifying match, Dangerzone and Tennis Pro has surprisingly good chemistry. The finish came when Tennis Pro grabbed his racquet, the ref intervened and took it away, and Dangerzone nailed Need For Speed for the win. After the match, Tennis Pro berated the referee, using several choice words the announcers quickly apologized for.

2. Arm Wrestling with Chicano and Jobber Joe 2*— Chicano emerged from behind the curtain, mic in hand. “Hey yo— a bunch of you fools in the back tried to keep me, the big guy, from beating up Starboy last week after he embarrassed me? I’m going to embarrass you all one by one. There’s an arm wrestling table here on the platform— who wants to get embarrassed first?” The camera cut to the entrance curtain, where Jobber Joe appeared to be shoved out against his will by several sets of hands. Joe hesitated, but fearfully took a seat at the table opposite Chicano. A ref locked their hands, and Chicano easily defeated Joe. Joe started to walk away, but Chicano grabbed him from behind and gave him a Straight Edge onto the arm wrestling table, destroying the table and Joe in the process. Medical staff rushed to Joe’s side as Chicano walked off to a chorus of boos.

3. Van Winkles defeat Slave Drivers 1*— Announced as another qualifying match, if the Van Winkles win, Devin is in the tournament alongside Terry, while if the Slave Drivers win, Big Thuggee is in. In what amounted to a squash, Devin submitted Lil Thuggee with the Van Winkle Claw before Bid Thuggee even had a chance to enter the match. Big Thuggee jumped into the ring with his whip and laid into Lil Thuggee until he begged for forgiveness.

4. Wrestler Challenge with Brit Buckingham and Pop King 4*— Brit Buckingham emerged from behind the curtain, microphone in hand. “Fellow British subjects— as I am willing to forgive that little insurrection in 1776, and you are welcome to return to the fold— we know that there is only one queen, only one crown, and only one true regent. Howevaaaaahhhhhh... there is a pretender to the throne in our midst. He calls himself the “Pop King”. I have learned that next week, I will face him in the final qualifying match for March Madness. It will be an honor and privilege to dethrone this false ruler, and I have heard rumblings from London that after I succeed, I will be knighted as Sir Brit Buckingham.”

Pop King danced through the curtain behind Brit without being noticed by the pompous foreigner, got next to his ear and sang, “Tee-hee. Ow!” The startled Buckingham fell over while Pop King laughed. “If you think you’re gonna beat me, pretty young thing, then you don’t know Pop King. Sha-mon! I’m bad, and you know it. The whole world’s gonna answer right now, just to tell you once again—“ Pop King held the mic to crowd who all screamed in response, “Who’s bad!” The king dropped the mic and moonwalked off stage to the delight of the crowd and the chagrin of Buckingham.

5. Flawless One defeats Arizona Chance to retain the World Title 3*— Arizona came out to a huge ovation, seconded by his tag partner Red Pirate Rogers. Flawless One emerged and paused on the ramp, motioning for a mic. “Everyone has friends here except the Flawless One. You’ve got Captain Kidd there, the Van Winkles have twenty-six family members, but no one can hang with anyone as flawless as me. It would be terrible, losing every board game we would play, pretending you weren’t bored as I rolled my third straight 300 game in bowling. That’s why I’ve retained the services of someone to watch my back— and he’s close enough. His name is Ryan Regret.” Regret came to Flawless’s side, clad in a track suit that matched the tights of the champ and had “FLAWLESS” in all caps, bedazzled letters on the back.

Flawless and Arizona put on a technical classic, full of counters and reversals. Arizona hit the Last Crusade, but Regret pulled Flawless’s foot onto the ropes to cause the break. Rogers confronted Regret, and got spritzed in the face as a result. As Arizona checked on Rogers, Flawless rolled him up to retain by the skin of his teeth.

[Thumper Moore III]

March 1985 Weekend Wrasslin’
Empire Gardens, Sold Out, 2* $1202

1. Brit Buckingham over Pop King, 2*— Brit Buckingham emerged from the back with his mic in hand and made his way to the ring. “You all have seen the disregard for decorum espoused by the pretender, Pop King. He believes that his dancing will somehow win favor with the fans.” Brit held up his index finger as he continued. “Howevaaaaahhhhh.... all the dancing in the world will not compensate for his lack of power, skill, and fortitude. I will defeat the pretender tonight, I will win March Madness, and I will earn my knighthood from the Queen.” He then started to sing God Save the Queen, but was interrupted by Pop King’s music.

Enraged, Brit charged Pop King on the ramp, but he did a split to duck under a lariat attempt and moonwalked to the ring. The bell rang, and Brit managed to mostly ground the charismatic PK. PK made a comeback, hitting his signature move, the Chiller, trying to set up for his finisher. Brit managed to roll out and use the top rope to clothesline Pop King when PK tried to go after Brit. This led to the Britain Bulldog and a pinfall victory for Buckingham.

2. Dangerzone 1 on 1 with Honest Al, 4*— Dangerzone was interviewed by Truthful Alvin backstage. (Side note: obviously, we can’t all have Honest Al. So, I encourage the other Territory Days writers to create their own backstage guy.) Alvin asked Dangerzone what chance he thought he had to win March Madness, since with competition like Arizona Chance, Chicano, and his first round opponent, Devin Van Winkle. “Alvin, I’m glad you asked. You see, when I was in flight school, I was taught to never leave your wingman. And now, my wingman is back with me. Let me introduce you to my flight school squadmate— he goes by his call sign— Duck!” Alvin put his head down and covered it, while a tall man in a flight suit took his place next to Dangerzone. “Alvin, get up. I didn’t tell you to duck. His name is Duck. And he’s going to be my manager throughout March Madness.” Duck glared behind mirrored sunglasses and stared menacingly at the camera.

3. Flawless One Dramatic Promo, 2*— Flawless One delivered a rare bland promo about his match coming up with Starboy. He actually flubbed a line, inciting chants of “You’re not flawless!”

4. The Adventurers defeat Big Thuggee and Dr. B 2*— Orangutan Deluge and Muscles Pasadena announces that the following tag match would determine the final competitor in March Madness— either Red Pirate Rogers or Big Thuggee. The Adventurers came to ringside and then Big Thuggee’s music hit. He announced that he had lost qualifying matches twice now due to poor partners, but he would win because he called in a favor to get the baddest man in SWAG to join him— Dr. B.

The two behemoths came to the ring, and commenced to beating up Arizona. Arizona was able to make the hot tag to Rogers, who nailed Thuggee with the Swashbuckler and pinned him to punch his ticket to the tournament. As Big Thuggee was laid out, Dr. B grabbed Thuggee’s whip and raised it to beat him, when Lil Thuggee sprinted from the back and grabbed the whip from Dr. B, saving his partner from the same fate he suffered at his partner’s hands. Dr. B acted like he was going to level the smaller Thuggee, but instead smiled at him and rolled out. Lil Thuggee assisted his partner to the back.

5. Gothica defeats Succubus, 2*— Muscles Pasadena made an off-color joke about closing the show with two “ladies of the night” that goes right over Orangutan’s head. Gothica arrived to a huge pop, and Succubus tried to seduce the ref after she arrived. He was charmed until Gothica interrupted the advances with a forearm to start the match. After a fair amount of hair pulling, slaps, and other 1980’s women’s wrestling tropes, Gothica locks in Halloween Dreams for the win.

The show closed with all 8 participants in March Madness joining one another on the entrance ramp— Terry and Devin Von Winkle, Arizona Chance, Red Pirate Rogers, Dangerzone, Chicano, Dr. B, and Brit Buckingham. Shockingly, all eight exited the stage after being announced without incident.

[Thumper Moore III]

March Madness 1985
Silver Stadium, Sold Out, 2* $10454

1. Arizona Chance defeats Brit Buckingham, 2*— Brit made his entrance first, with the fans booing him while simultaneously mockingly screaming “Howevaaaaahhhh” at him. Arizona entered to a thunderous ovation from the 93,000 in attendance, and took a moment to revel in the adulation. Chance and Buckingham then engaged in a surprisingly fast paced match given Brit’s normally plodding pace. Brit never got in any of his trademark limb manipulation, and Arizona landed the Last Crusade our of nowhere to pick up a victory. Muscles Pasadena noted on commentary that the short length of the match would keep Arizona fresher for the next round.

2. Dr. B defeats Red Pirate Rogers, 1*— Rogers music hit just as Chance was leaving, and the partners shared a moment on the ramp before Chance disappeared behind the curtain. Dr. B charged down the ramp as Rogers hit the ringside area, hitting a Clubber outside the ring before the bell. He rolled Rogers in, and screamed at the ref to ring the bell. Rogers agreed from his knees, and the bell rang. Dr. B charged at Rogers for a second Clubber, but Rogers ducked the attempt and countered with the Swashbuckler! 1, 2, 2 3/4 as Dr. B just managed to get a shoulder up. Both men were stunned, and Dr. B managed to hit a second Clubber a few seconds later for the pinfall win.

3. Chicano defeats Terry Van Winkle 3*— Chicano took FOREVER to get to the ring, oozing bravissimo the entire way down. TVW was joined on the entrance ramp by father Fritz, who waved to the crowd and then wished his son good luck. Orangutan Deluge correctly pointed out that should Van Winkle advance, he might have to face his brother in the next round. Chicano did not allow that, and after a long, back and forth match, Chicano avoided a discus clothesline from the Texas Twister and nailed Straight Edge for a clean win.

4. Dangerzone defeats Devin Van Winkle DUD!— After Dangerzone entered with his wingman Duck at his side, the big screen showed Fritz Van Winkle down in a heap backstage with Harry “The Lumberjack” Benning standing over him, flanked by Flawless One. Devin Van Winkle flew in out of nowhere to attack Flawless One, and Flawless hit a Flawless-plex onto a pile of metal barricades. Medics showed up, and it was announced that Devin would be taken to a local medical facility and Dangerzone would win by forfeit. Dangerzone and Duck looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and walked to the back, with a huge smile on Duck’s face but a look of concern on Dangerzone’s.

Still to come...
The Conclusion of the March Madness Tournament
Tag Title match between Howl and Roar and Conquer and Command
World Title match between Flawless One and Starboy

[Thumper Moore III]

March Madness 1985... Part 2

5. Howl and Roar defeat Conquer and Command to retain SWAG Tag Titles 2*— Both teams made it to the ring without incident, with Mynx joining Howl and Roar at ringside. In the second cleanly fought bout of the night, Mighty Leo landed a Thunderstrike on Copper Commander for the pinfall in an adequate, if uninspired match.

6. Arizona Chance defeats Dr. B 3*— Arizona was accompanied to the ring by Red Pirate Rogers... who looked more like a Dead Pirate after the beating Dr. B gave him earlier. Dr. B was also looking the worse for wear, while Arizona looked as fresh as the morning sun. The story of the match was the resiliency of Dr. B, and whether or not Arizona could avoid the knockout blow long enough to wear down the big man. In the end, Arizona dodged the Clubber for the fifth time in the match, hit the Last Crusade, and pinned an exhausted Dr. B. In this battle of speed and endurance vs strength and resilience, speed killed.

7. Dangerzone defeats Chicano 2*— Oh. My. Gosh. In the upset of the night, Dangerzone managed to pull off an unthinkable win over Chicano. Chicano completely dominated the match. He showboated relentlessly, and after about eight minutes of beatdown, he flicked his toothpick at Duck. Duck jumped onto the apron but did not want to get Dangerzone disqualified. As he turned around, Chicano walked directly into a surprise moonsault from Dangerzone, which resulted in a shock pinfall to the delight of the crowd. Dangerzone and Duck hightailed it out while Chicano threw a fit in the ring.

8. Starboy defeats Flawless One to become SWAG World Champion 3*— Flawless was accompanied to the ring by his father Harry Benning and Ryan Regret, which resembled a boxing entourage. Starboy came by himself. After about 15 minutes of technical genius, Regret attempted to interfere by raking Starboy’s eyes while the ref was distracted by Benning. This brought Damon Van Winkle to the ring, who started beating the tar out of Regret. “The Lumberjack” tried to perform his signature double ax-handle, but Fritz Van winkle had ambled to ringside and whacked Benning over the back with his cane. Meanwhile, Starboy recovered from the eye rake to land a Flying Cross Chop and become a double champion.

9. Dangerzone defeats Arizona Chance to win March Madness 2*— He did it. He really did it. In a match where their respective partners stayed out of the action, Dangerzone not only won the tournament with Need For Speed and a clean pinfall, he became the first person in two years to kick out of the Last Crusade. The match itself was OK, not great, but the look of shock on Arizona’s face, the dumbfounded reaction of Rogers, and the repeated call of “HE KICKED OUT! HE KICKED OUT!” by Orangutan created a moment that would be relived in video packages as long as SWAG exists.

[Thumper Moore III]

April 1985 Superstar Saturday
Golden Plaza, Decent Crowd, 2* $541

1. Big Thuggee defeats Dangerzone, 2*— Dangerzone came out to the ring to speak about his triumph in the March Madness tournament, accompanied by a video montage highlighting his victories. He was just about to open his mouth to speak when Big Thuggee’s music hit. He was flanked by Lil Thuggee and had a microphone in hand. Through a thick Indian accent, he said, “You are luckiest man in world! You get given spot in tournament Thuggee rightful belongs in, and you win title shot rightful belong to Thuggee. I am best, and you am pipsqueak!” Dangerzone simply replied, “Show me, tough guy.” He motioned for Thuggee to enter the ring and a ref came out to start the show.

Big Thuggee looked very powerful and like a huge threat to Dangerzone. Thuggee even laid out Duck at ringside. Ironically, Dangerzone screamed “Duck!” In his direction, and instead of evading the attack, the tall pilot said, “What?” In the end, a Heart Claw scored a clean victory for the Pankot Powerhouse, as a shocked audience pondered the meaning of this result after Dangerzone’s shocking wins over more talented opponents.

2. Max Attack defeats Jobber Joe, 2*— In a fairly one sided contest, Max ended Joe’s night with a Double Uppercut. However, after the match, Chicano came from the back and leveled Max, set up a table outside the ring, and sent Max through the table using a Straight Edge from inside the ring. The crowd was shocked for a moment, then unleashed a vicious barrage of boos and jeers as Chicano smirked and said, “Two down... three to go.”

3. Starboy defeats Iron Mask 3*— Starboy stepped into the ring with both the World and TV Titles aloft. He spoke into a mic and simply stated, “Dos cinturones significa eso— estoy campeon doble, y todo es perfecto y tranquilo.” The announcers translated and said that Starboy believes that since he is a double champion, everything is calm and perfect. (They got it mostly right.) He then tore down the house with Iron Mask, eventually winning with the Flying Cross Chop.

4. Terry Van Winkle defeats Flawless One, 3*, TVW injured— Terry Van Winkle came down to the ring with his father, Franz, and Flawless One came with Ryan Regret. Flawless and TVW put on a chain wrestling clinic for the first 4-5 minutes of the match, with neither man gaining an advantage, but Flawless gained control after Regret distracted the ref by threatening Franz, leading Flawless to nail a low blow on the Texas Twister and begin the process of wearing him down.

After a few minutes of sustained offense, TVW made the inevitable babyface comeback, and gained a near fall off a vertical suplex. Regret tried to intervene, but Franz cut him off by smashing Regret with his cane to the knee while Regret was on the apron. The distraction led to TVW nailing the Tornado Punch for the pinfall victory. TVW and Franz started to celebrate, but Flawless came to, realized what happened, and attacked Terry while Regret stole Franz’s cane and took out the old man’s legs. He then tossed the cane to Flawless, who used it to administer a beatdown on Terry. By the time Damon and Devin cane to ringside, Franz’s cane was broken over Terry’s knee, and Terry had to be stretchered out. Damon and Franz accompanied him, leaving Devin in the ring to face his main event opponent.

5. Devin Van Winkle defeats Red Pirate Rogers to retain the Cruiserweight Title 2*— Devin was shaken by his brother’s apparent injury, and RPR cane down with Arizona Chance. Chance and RPR both consoled Devin, and Chance shook Devin’s hand and headed to the back. Devin and RPR then shook hands to start the match. Once the bell rang, the two beat the heck out of each other, with Devin winning a solid match with the Van Winkle Claw. Afterwards, the two walked to the back together, and a conversation between the two was heard about driving to the hospital together to see Terry.

[Thumper Moore III]

April 1985, Sunday Night Slam
Canada Centre, Sold Out, 2* $1435

1. Chicano defeats Pat Cabbage, Cabbage injured 1*—Chicano emerged from the back to the sound of Latin percussion and sauntered to the ring, gold chains gleaming in the lights. His opponent was lovable loser Pat Cabbage, who received chants of “Chicano’s gonna kill you!” Indeed, the fans’ prediction almost came true, with Chicano hitting the Straight Edge after a short, one-sided match After the match, Chicano pulled a table from underneath the ring, and delivered a Straight Edge to Cabbage through the table onto the floor. Cabbage immediately grabbed his thick neck and started writhig in pain, and the medical team helped him to the back.

2. Brit Buckingham 1on1 with Truthful Alvin 5*— In a promo of the year contender, Brit did a worked shoot on Arizona Chance. “Alvin, I thank you for your time. While Arizona Chance did defeat me in the first round of the March Madness Tournament, denying me my knighthood, and an audience with the Queen, I have since learned something. Something so valuable, I was advised not to share it with all of you. Howevaaaaahhhhh— I will do so. Arizona Chance is the highest paid member of the SWAG roster. Therefore, management has a vested interest in keeping him on top. That would explain the fast count against me in the tournament, the fact that Chance gets every opportunity gifted to him, and it’s bollocks! So, Chance, you irredeemable, insufferable lout, I’ll be watching you like a hawk. One unwarranted title opportunity, one tainted victory, one suspicious conversation with management— and you’ll be transported to the nearest medical facility.”

3. Iron Mask defeats Red Pirate Rogers 2*— The Pirate takes a third loss in three weeks as Iron Mask applied the Arms Deal, forcing a submission. Copper Commander and Arizona Chance were at ringside, and when CC attempted to interfere, Arizona and CC started a brawl, which CC won when Brit Buckingham jumped in and hit a Britain Bulldog on Chance on the outside. That allowed CC to headbutt Rogers with his mask, leading to the finish.

4. Sneak Attack, Flawless One attack’s Damon Van Winkle 3*— The camera cut backstage, where Damon Van Winkle was preparing for a match. Flawless One appeared out of nowhere with a steel chair and cracked it over Devin’s back. He then positioned the chair on the floor and hit a Flawless-plex onto the chair. Medical staff carried Damon to a gurney next to Pat Cabbage, who was still icing his neck.

5. Slave Drivers defeat Howl and Roar to win the Tag Titles 2*— Howl and Roar came out to a standing ovation, while the boos for the Slave Drivers were mixed with the fans chanting “You am pipsqueak!” at Big Thuggee, referring to his promo last week. The Slave Drivers could not get any offense started, but Dr. B came out in a sleeveless referee shirt, told the actual ref to leave, and then Little Thuggee managed to hit a crossbody on Michael T Wolf and the fastest count in the history of wrestling ensued. Both members of Howl and Roar started protesting, and Mighty Leo ate a Clubber for his protest while the Thuggees double teamed Wolf to the floor. Dr. B then grabbed Lil Thuggee’s whip and started lashing Leo with it. The three men celebrated to the shock and dismay of the SWAG faithful as the show ended.

Aside: I guess occasionally you get a show where the heels win everything.

[Thumper Moore III]

April 1985, Weekend Wrasslin’
Chitown Complex, Sold Out, 2*, $1287

The show signed on with a video montage of Chicano beating up every jobber that kept him from getting his hands on Starboy six weeks prior, with clips of Jobber Joe going through the arm wrestling table on stage, Max Attack Straight-Edged through a table outside the ring from inside the ring, and Pat Cabbage getting injured going through a table on the outside. Announcer Orangutan Deluge then noted that the other two men who were holding Chicano back are opening the show tonight, in a match to determine who will face Devin Van Winkle for the Cruiserweight Title at next week’s Champ Clash.

1. Officer Chip defeats Pop King, 2*— Pop King moonwalked to the ring, but his eyes seemed focused on the backstage area. Officer Chip also had his head on a swivel as he entered the fray. In an adequate match in which both competitors were constantly distracted, Officer Chip landed the Cop Drop and gained the pinfall.

As Chip made his way back up the ramp, he wiped his brow in relief. At that moment, Chicano came out from behind him and the fans went nuts. Chip turned around, jumped back, held up his badge and ordered Chicano to put his hands behind his head. He complied, then head butted Chip, who ran off. Chicano then made his way to the ring, and planted Pop King through the announce table with the Straight Edge. He then grabbed a mic and rolled into the ring.

2. Wrestler Challenge w/ Chicano and Starboy 3*— “Hey yo. I’ve finished taking care of the people that keep me from doing what I want, when I want (except you Chip— watch your back). Now I can get back to business. Starboy— I want a rematch next week for the TV Title. And if I don’t get it— let’s just say I’ll be in your opponent’s corner. Do I have your attention?”

Starboy came out from behind the curtain, with the TV and World titles over either shoulder. “Si, tienes mi atención, perro. Acepto tu oferta. Pero, tener cuidado con lo que deseas.”

3. Arizona Chance Dramatic Promo, 3*—After Muscles Pasadena badly translated Starboy’s comments (saying Starboy offered Chicano a tamale), Arizona Chance responded to Brit Buckingham. “Brit, you go ahead and make your accusations. I’ll stand by everything I’ve done here, because I’ve EARNED everything. Every belt, every opportunity, every win, I’ve earned it. Brit, you’re just delusional.” Arizona started to leave, and the show cut to commercial. The fans started yelling for him to address the comments made by Zen of HFWF last week. Arizona then stepped back in the ring. “Sorry Codger, the fans want it. So this Keebler Elf thinks he can run my name- our names— through the mud and not have consequences? He can come on over. Rogers and I will stick his stupid wooden sword straight up his backside. The only adventure he’ll be on is a trip straight back to HFWF, with a bandage on his face and a tear in his eye.”

4. Howl and Roar defeat Conquer and Command 1*—The TV audience saw Chance duck behind the curtain just before the tag match was announced, not having any idea what took him so long to get to the back. What followed was a subpar performance from the top tag teams in SWAG, with Leo landing a Thunderstrike for the win to earn their rematch with the Slave Drivers at Champ Clash.

5. Chaka Crass v Mynx, Time Limit Draw, 3*— The two most buff ladies of SWAG closed out the show with a barn burner. Both countered each other’s finishers several times, with Mynx finally landing the Speed Run while the announcer counted down. The ref went to make the cover, Dr. B came to the ring and pulled the ref out of the ring as time expired. Leo came down to protest, and a melee broke out between Leo, Mynx, Dr. B and Crass. Mynx twisted her ankle in the fracas, and had to be carried to the back by Leo.

[Thumper Moore III]

April 1985 Champ Clash (part one)
Olympus Colisseum, Sold Out, 2*, $9885

Announcers Muscles Pasadena and Orangutan Deluge ran down the card for Champ Clash, noting that Arizona Chance has been added to the Cruiserweight Title match as a replacement for Officer Chip if he was unable to compete due to Chicano’s attack last week. They also highlighted Starboy pulling double duty, and how he would truly earn the right to both belts tonight should he be able to defeat both Chicano and Dangerzone. He would be going on first and last to give him maximum recovery time.

1. Chicano defeats Starboy to become TV Champ, 1*— Chicano strutted slowly to the ring, and Muscles Pasadena pointed out how confident he seemed. Starboy’s name was announced, and for the longest time, his music played without anyone appearing. The giant video screen then showed Starboy slowly emerging from underneath a pile of video equipment backstage, clearly the victim of an attack from an unknown assailant. Starboy kept repeating, “¡Policía! ¡Policía!” Several officials reassured him they would contact the police.

Clearly injured, Starboy limped to the ring as Chicano excitedly egged him on. An official stopped to talk to Starboy, but Starboy waved him off. Starboy entered the ring, the bell rang, and Chicano made quick work of Starboy to become the TV Champ.

2. Dr. B, 1 on 1 with Honest Al, 3*— Dr. B was backstage with Truthful Alvin. Alvin asked him about his recent alliance with the Slave Drivers. “Alvin, I pity the idiot that don’t understand that we have to come together as one people, one human race. There’s too much oppression in the world, too much poverty... and it’s all the fault of the white man keeping down people of color. Whether it’s people of African descent, Indians like the Slave Drivers, East Asians, or South and Central Americans, we all need a helping hand to get out from under their thumb. I’m just doing my part in the struggle.” The camera cut to the announcers, who clearly were shocked. “I’m not sure how to respond to that,” remarked Orangutan Deluge. “Well, you can agree with what he said or be appalled, but there’s no in between, and no denying that there’s some truth behind his position,” replied Muscles Pasadena.

3. Howl and Roar regains the Tag Team Titles from Slave Drivers, 2*— Clearly, the audience was made uncomfortable by Dr. B’s words, as the Slave Drivers were accompanied by him to the ring to a deafening silence. It was as if the audience were afraid to boo someone who claimed to stand against oppression, but did not want to cheer for the team that were portrayed as using underhanded tactics to gain the titles. Howl and Roar came out to far less of a cheer than they normally would.

By the end of the match, the crowd had returned to normal due to a ridiculous amount of interference from Dr. B, and him loudly berating the crowd from his managerial position. He went to the well once too often, and Leo finally connected with a Thunderstrike on Dr B as he jumped onto the apron, which led to him flying into the barricade. Wolf landed The Howling on Lil Thuggee for the victory.

4. Brit Buckingham defeated Pop King, 2*— Pop King had a mic before his match. “Dr. B, it doesn’t matter if you’re black or white! People love or hate you because of who you are... here”— Pop King tapped his chest— “not because of how you look. Sham-on! Now then, Brit— you can take this message back to your queen. The whole world has to answer right now, just to tell her once again—“ and the crowd responded, “who’s bad!”

Buckingham entered the ring, no mic, all business. The two had an entertaining match, but after a low blow (which was hilariously sold by Pop King), a Britain Bulldog ended things.

5. Officer Chip wins the Cruiserweight Title in a 3-way match with Devin Van Winkle and Arizona Chance, 2*— As Buckingham made his way to the back, Arizona Chance’s music hit. Buckingham ran back out and leveled Chance on the way to the ring, hitting a Britain Bulldog on the entrance ramp. He bellowed, “No more opportunities given to you, Arizona!” Officer Chip then came out with his head bandaged but otherwise showing no effects from Chicano’s headbutt last week. Finally, the returning Devin Van Winkle was still favoring his back from Flawless One’s attack and the Flawless-Plex onto the pile of steel a few weeks prior.

Medical staff ruled Arizona out of the match, and Devin commenced a technical dismantling of Officer Chip. After a couple minutes of beating, Chip held up his badge and ordered Devin’s hands behind his back. Devin complies, then nailed a standing drop kick.

As Devin moved in for the Van Winkle Claw, Chicano ran in. The ref was distracted, allowing Chip to hit Devin with his badge. Chip then distracted the ref while Chicano bailed Devin with his newly acquired TV Title. Before Franz could amble down to ringside, Chip got the Cop Drop and got the pinfall to become Cruiserweight Champ. Chicano climbed into the ring, and pointed to Chip saying “policía, policìa”, mocking Starboy from earlier in the night. “He wasn’t asking you to call the police, he was saying the police attacked him!”

Still to come...
Red Pirate addresses his losing streak and HFWF
Chaka Crass takes on Glam for the Ladies Title
Flawless One continues his vendetta against the Van Winkles, represented by Damon
An injured Starboy tries to keep his World Title against March Madness winner Dangerzone

[Thumper Moore III]

April 1985 Champ Clash (continued)

6. Red Pirate Rogers Dramatic Promo 3*— A short video promoting the movie “The Prince’s Bride” aired on the big screen, and the fans were intrigued. Rogers stepped out from underneath the screen, mic in hand. “AVAST!!!” he yelled, to cheers. “Methinks it’s time to step out of my mate’s shadow. Arizona, you’ve been a friend, faithful and true. But the time comes when a man must stand on his own two feet.” The fans start screaming at Rogers to stop, as they are anticipating the breakup of the Adventurers. “Stop? You think I’m quitting the Adventurers? Don’t be silly, you scallawags! I’m taking time off to do this movie. I’ll be back by Chance’s side soon enough. We’re inseparable!”

7. Chaka Crass defeats Glam to win the Ladies Title 2*— The match was preceded by a short video from Mynx, stating she’s disappointed to not be able to participate in this match but she would challenge the winner for the Ladies Title once she was medically cleared. Glam made a valiant effort— a truly, truly outrageous effort— but Chaka Crass was just the superior athlete and never looked like she was in trouble. In a star-making performance, she nailed the Catwalk for a pinfall victory and the Ladies Title.

8. Flawless One w/ Ryan Regret defeats Damon Van Winkle w/ Franz 3*— Is it possible for a match to probably be match of the night and still disappoint? The fieriest Van Winkle, attempting to avenge his brother’s injury, against a superstar who has vowed to destroy their entire family... put on a wrestling clinic? In a highly technical match, Flawless One went over cleanly with the Flawless-plex after several teases. The talent was undeniable, but the emotion fell flat.

9. Dangerzone defeats Starboy to win the World Title 2*— The storybook ending for the handsome former pilot cane to be, but not how anyone expected. Dangerzone came to the ring with Duck, and the ring announcer noted that a dozen members of Dangerzone’s squadron were seated at ringside, all in uniform. Starboy limped to the ring, and Dangerzone actually helped Starboy down the ramp in a show of sportsmanship.

Once the match started, it became a story of Starboy’s resilience. Dangerzone threw everything he had at the luchador, but Starboy managed to escape at 2 3/4 multiple times. Starboy managed to create separation when Dangerzone awkwardly missed a knee drop and started writhing in pain.

Starboy took the opportunity and attempted his flying cross chop, but Dangerzone ducked out of the way and pulled down the top rope, sending Starboy crashing to the floor in front of his squadron. The referee went to check on Dangerzone’s knee as he was selling a huge injury, when Duck picked up Starboy and threw him into the midst of the squadron. They commenced a 12 man beat down on Starboy. Duck then grabbed Starboy, rolled him into the ring, and Dangerzone had a miraculous recovery. He yelled out, “Never leave your wing man!” He then nailed Need for Speed for the championship victory.

[Thumper Moore III]

May 1985 Superstar Saturday
Canada Centre, Sold Out, 2* $1655

A video package started out the broadcast with a recap of Champ Clash, updating viewers on Starboy’s injury (it will keep him out two months), Chicano and Officer Chip teaming up and both earning gold, and Dangerzone enlisting the help of an entire squadron to become World Champ.

1. Max Attack over Big Thuggee, 3*— Max Attack came to ringside with an entourage of his own, his tapes fists shadow boxing the entire way down the ramp. A rotund black man with a towel around his neck and a whistle in his mouth accompanied him to the ring while riding a bicycle, and he wore a red polo with “Coach” emblazoned on the left chest. Big Thuggee made his way to the ring solo and the bell rang. Coach immediately started shouting instructions to Max. “Stick and move Max, stick and move.” Max obliged and peppered BT with combos that seemed to stun the much larger man, but not to any major damage. BT then charged at Max and nailed him with a huge clothesline.

Coach screamed at Max, “If he charges you again, hit him in the stomach!” Sure enough, BT charged in again, and Max hit a body blow that hurt Thuggee, and Max capitalized with the Double Uppercut which led to a pinfall victory.

2. Chicano defeats Damon Van Winkle, 3*— A second tremendous match from Damon in two weeks against a top opponent, and a second clean loss. These two went back and forth with each other, with Officer Chip at ringside for Chicano and Franz In Damon’s corner. Again, a tremendous technical match was had, and Chicano hit the Straight Edge for the victory.

3. Michael T Wolf over Iron Mask, 2*— Both tag partners accompanied these long time rivals to the ring. After a spirited but short match, Wolf landed the Howling for a victory. Surprisingly, neither Copper Commander nor Mighty Leo got involved.

4. Chaka Crass defeats Mynx, 2*— Fresh off her championship win, Chaka Crass strutted to ringside with the title held high. Mynx followed, with Leo walking her out but saying goodbye at ringside. Mynx proved more of an equal foe than Glam was at the P4V, and Mynx signaled for her finisher when Dr. B ran to ringside. This distracted Mynx enough that Crass was able to roll her up and escape with a victory. Leo came back to ringside and got up in Dr B’a face, but they only argued. Leo warned that if Dr. B ever laid hands on Mynx, he’d be crapping out teeth for a week from Leo knocking them down his throat.

5. Arizona Chance defeats Dr. B and Flawless One, 3*— In a tremendous match, Arizona Chance became number one contender for Dangerzone’s World Title. Dr. B nailed the Clubber on Arizona early in the match, knocking him out of the match for a good part of the middle. Flawless One nailed a Flawless-plex late, but Arizona made the save, hit the Last Crusade on Flawless and secured the victory.