J-1 Pinnacle - Block B - Round Three - Bradley vs. Arizona

[Kip Whistler]

Round Three in Block B:
Bad Luck Bradley (1) vs. Arizona Chance (2)

[Bad Luck Bradley]

Beeman: These two men have had a war of words this last week.
LeRay: A war of words, lyrics, a full band and, dare I say it, a flirtatious boop, Sean.



As Lady Gaga's Bad Romance plays, Brad strides out of the tunnel and down the entrance ramp.

Bad Luck Bradley, the Bad Luck Wrestler, not so much looking for a fight as he looking for something hidden. He checks under the ring, in the crowd, around the timekeepers desk, stopping to point and shout at a few fans. He leans over the barricade and steals a baby's rattle, snapping it over his knee before tossing it to the horrified parent.

LeRay: What in the name of goodness is he doing?
Beeman: It's the instruments, Mick, he hates 'em.

[Thumper Moore III]

Hysteria by Muse begins to play as the arena goes dark, and then Arizona is silhouetted by a single spotlight. As the full band kicks in, the arena lights come back on and Arizona heads to the ring.

LERAY: Round three of the J-1 is tonight, and we’re here tonight with a match that has huge implications. Arizona Chance still controls his own destiny, But he has little room for error and may have to win out. If he wins this week, next week’s match against Chief Buffalo is absolutely huge. If he loses, he’s likely out. Bad Luck Bradley sits on one point, and he will need to win all three of his remaining matches to advance to the final.

BEEMAN: The only good thing about this match is that we’ve got Veronica Chance joining us in the front row. If I’m distracted, it’s because I’m staring at her.

LERAY: Tongue back in your mouth, Sean. Arizona enters the ring, and referee Panther Haberdashery signals for the bell. This one is underway!

BEEMAN: Look, Chance is already distracted. He just blew his wife a kiss.

[Bad Luck Bradley]

Veronica is reaching out towards her husband when Bad Luck Bradley slides in front of her, his hand stretched wide and he-

Beeman: What in tarnation!
LeRay: Bradley just caught Arizona's kiss in mid-air!

Indeed, Bad Luck Bradley, the Bad Luck Wrestler, has Arizona's kiss locked in his sweaty, meaty paws. Arizona is standing with his hands on his hips as Brad shakes his fist in triumph. The official is telling Brad to get into the ring. Laughing uproariously, still holding a clenched fist, Brad ascends the stairs.

It all happens so fast.

Arizona blows a second kiss to his wife. Brad dives from the steel steps and - once again! - whisks the kiss out of mid-air. Arizona takes no time in springing off the ropes and launching himself over onto Brad before laying into him on the outside. The crowd are jumping and cheering with each strike. The referee has lost the run of the match. Brad cannot defend himself with both of his hands closed around Arizona's precious kisses. Chance jumps up and strides right to Veronica, ready to plant a real kiss on her cheek but she points over his shoulder.

Brad has one hand open, palm up, exposing the valuable cargo held within. With a flourish, he throws it to the floor and stomps on it once. The crowd burst into boos.

Chance is in his face but Brad has one hand now. The pair start trading blows, left and right and left and right. Arizona whips a massive chop over Brad's chest and gets a receipt, neither man willing to give an inch. But Brad only has one hand, unwilling to use his fist, keeping the kiss safe. Arizona gains ground and slowly pushes Bradley into the barricade. He's rearing up, stepping back, ready to fire out one of his famous Lost Ark Lariats but-

The referee is between them. He advises them that they are about to be counted out. Arizona explains the situation. Before Bradley can respond, the referee holds his hand out. Reluctantly, Bradley drops the remaining kiss into his hand. The ref walks over to Veronica and places it in her waiting palm. As she gleefully presses it to her cheek, the two battlers slide into the ring, ready to continue their match...

[Thumper Moore III]

LERAY: This is one of the most bizarre openings to a bout I’ve ever seen. Bradley, now with two free hands, rushes Chance who ducks a clothesline. Arizona charges the other way— Lost Ark Lariat to open the in-ring proceedings! And Chance stomps on both of Bradley’s hands! Is that a comeuppance for stealing his blown kisses to his wife?

BEEMAN: Somebody give my commentary partner a magnifying glass and a monocle! He’s a real Sherlock Holmes to figure out that mystery!

LERAY: Chance goes to the top rope! Legion of Boom drop! Chance picks up Bradley— Modified Michinoku Driver! Arizona ascends to the second rope, he’s looking for the Sedona Sunrise… and Bradley wisely rolls out of the ring.

BEEMAN: Chance went for his closing sequence too early. This isn’t the same Bad Luck Bradley he squashed a couple months ago. He’s not just Seph Kobane’s NPC anymore.

LERAY: NPC?

BEEMAN: No Phrickin Chance, Leray.

LERAY: Bradley is digging under the ring as Chance rolls outside— wait, no. He’s gone under the ring from our right. What’s he doing? Chance pulls up the ring apron and— yes, he’s chasing Bradley under the ring. Now a hand appears from the side of the ring to our left— out comes Bad Luck— wait, he’s only as tall as the ring apron?

BEEMAN: Under the ring is a magical place, Leray. Anything can happen!

LERAY: Out comes another person— it’s a little person version of Arizona Chance! What is going on here? Little Brad is in the ring, Little Zona chases. Little Brad runs at Little Zona— Lost Ark Lariat! Little Zona ascends to the first rope— Sedona Sunrise to little Brad!

BEEMAN: I’ve seen some crap in my day, but I’ve never seen this, Mick.

LERAY: Little Brad rolls out and crawls under the left side of the ring! Little Zona follows! Something is coming out from the right side— it’s Bad Luck Bradley, back to his normal self and clutching the top of his head— from the move Little Brad took! Out follows full-size Arizona. What is going on here?

[Bad Luck Bradley]

The roars into the faces of both Bad Luck Bradley and Arizona Chance. They stand, hands on hips, listening, arguing back. The referee taps his chest - the JWA logo. His word is final.

Beeman: What are these goons up to?

Both wrestlers slip to opposite sides of the ring and slide under. For a moment, the referee is mid-ring. It wobbles. It shakes. A puff of smoke escapes one side. Then, Little Zona appears from behind the ref. As he spins, Little Zona disappears. Big Brad jumps up from underneath the ring and as the ref spins, he is dragged under, his nails scraping on the concrete. This is repeated with Little Brad, Big Zona, back to Big Brad, Little Brad, Big Zona, Little Zona. The referee is running from one end of the ring to the other.

LeRay: It's a game of whack-a-grappler!

Finally, both Big Brad and Big Zona are unceremoniously ejected from underneath the ring and skid together up the ramp, followed furiously by Little Zona and Little Brad, who are out for blood. Weapons, chairs and a variety of items spray everywhere, landing in the ring, amongst the crowd and up the ramp. In Little Zona and Little Brad's hands, they hold a variety of weapons. The referee intervenes and saves the wrestlers from a fate worst than death, frog-marching the little people wrestlers up the ramp and into the back. As our intrepid wrasslers return to the ring, refereeless, they spin in place, unaware if they should continue the match or not. In the middle of the ring, between them, lies a black bag. The crowd are losing patience, baying for a fight, but the ring is a right mess. The pair shrug and, working together, they upend the bag into the centre of the ring.

Beeman: Oh no.
LeRay: What type of match is this becoming?
Beeman: Stop the match! Stop the feed!
LeRay: This can't be legal. We apologise to those of you watching at home. This is a ludicrous display. 

The items spill from the bag. At least one member of the crowd vomits. Scattered across the ring is a weapon of mass destruction. That's right:

[Thumper Moore III]

LERAY: Arizona tries to get to Bradley, but after his first step, he recoils and grabs his foot! He’s stepped on a Lego! Bradley takes advantage and steps carefully around the dreaded children’s building blocks— OH, THE HUMANITY! A power slam onto the Legos from Bradley!

BEEMAN: As Duke would say, call your grandmother. This one’s over.

LERAY: Chance is writhing in pain! No object on earth, even diamonds, are harder or sharper than Legos! Bradley isn’t done! He’s grabbed a handful of legos and pushed them into Chance’s mouth! NOOO! He just punched Chance with his mouth full of Legos!

BEEMAN: Even I’m starting to feel bad for the guy. This is brutal.

LERAY: The little people have been cleared from ringside and the referee is back in the ring where carnage surrounds him. He is chastising Bradley and threatening to DQ him. Bradley is blessing his case as Haberdashery starts clearing the legos from the ring… Chance begins to stir while Bradley’s back is turned. Chance is up to one knee… he grabs Bradley and turns him to face Chance.

BEEMAN: Oh no!

LERAY: Chance spits the Legos in his mouth into his hand— he opens the front of Bradley’s trunks and dumps the Legos inside! Brad has a shocked look on his face!

BOTH: <unintelligible high pitched squeals and groaning>

LERAY: <gulp> A MANHATTAN DROP WITH LEGOS IN THE TRUNKS!

BEEMAN: Disqualify him now.

LERAY: Can’t say I disagree, but Haberdashery was clearing the ring and missed that exchange! Chance falls down holding his face, and Bradley falls down screaming and holding his nether region! This is the worst and best match I’ve ever seen!

[Bad Luck Bradley]

The crowd is chanting something about how the competitors are sick unrepeatables. Brad stuffs a hand into his tights and pulls out a handful of slobbery Lego pieces. He holds them in his sweaty mitts and is about to throw them at Arizona when Panther holds out his hand. Seeing a repeat of the kiss, Brad reluctantly pours them into the officials hands. Panther makes a hand-motion and Brad puts his hands down his trunks for another handful. And another. And another. And another.

Panther needs to pull out his shirt like a child collecting berries. Legos spill everywhere and still Brad is digging into his pants. Panther rolls his eyes theatrically and calls to someone at ringside to relieve him of his Legos. Like lemons, he can barely hold them.

Brad flicks the last of the spit-covered Legos away and turns to Arizona. The pair are on their best behaviour, waiting for Panther to de-Lego. He's taking his time, though. The two enter some sort of idle animation. Suddenly, Arizona swipes at Brad. Before he hits him, our intrepid explorer slows down. His hand slowly rolls over Brad's face, which contorts in exaggerated horror. The crowd begin to cheer, a loud, grating unrushed roar. Panther leisurely turns around and takes a solid ten seconds to move to the centre of the ring, by which time our two men have started exchanging steady and sedate punches. An uppercut from Arizona, one which takes half a minute to connect. As Brad is flailing backwards, Arizona hits a slow-motion Haduken. Brad's defeated scream is repeated as he falls. Arizona goes for the pin. Panther's hand raises.

It falls.

"Ooooonnnne!" the crowd chants!

Moderately and deliberately, Panther's hand moves upwards as if through treacle. It reaches the top of its arc and then gravity takes over, smacking the mat.

"Twoooooooo!" the crowd bays!

With a relaxed lift and undemanding fall, Panther's palm falls. An inch from the mat, Brad kicks out. Time resumes. Both men are heaving from exertion. Panther's stress levels are through the roof. His smart watch informs him that he might be having a cardiac event.

[Thumper Moore III]

OOC: Before this ends, hats off to Brad for crafting with me the most PWG match in JWA history, whatever the result.

THIS IS WRESTLING! clap clap clapclapclap THIS IS WRESTLING!

[Thumper Moore III]

LERAY: Arizona is back up after the near fall… he beckons Bad Luck Bradley to get up. Bradley staggers to his feet— LAST CRUSADE! LAST CRUSADE! The cover— one, two, three! Finally, thankfully, mercifully, this one is over. Arizona staggers to his feet and his hand is raised by Panther Haberdashery. Chance rolls out of the ring, and plants a huge kiss on Veronica! He rolls back in, picks up Bradley— Chance points at Bradley and starts applauding!

BEEMAN: Typical stupid schlock from Chance.

LERAY: The fans heap their appreciation on both men! Chance extends his hand for a shake. Bradley shakes his head no— and pulls Chance in for a hug. Chance appears slightly awkward… but reciprocates. Is this the beginning of an unlikely partnership?

BEEMAN: No.