Bradmeister's fed - a different take

[bradmeister]

Hey everybody, I'm trying a bit of an experiment here, as I haven't really written anything in a long time. The results will be presented in an ... interesting format; You'll see what I mean. I'm letting the fed kind of write itself, as I play off the random results that come forward. Also, I'm taking a few liberties, call it "writer's discretion". I'm also starting in the '90s, if this goes over well enough I may do another set in the '80s. Now, onto the intro ...


"People ask me if I'm in to wrestling. I tell them 'not much'. Then they ask how I know so much about wrestling and the latest results. That answer is really simple, I have a friend named Brandon who is OBSESSED with wrestling. And every day after a wrestling show, Brandon tells me all the results and answers all my questions. He is a good guy, even if he gets a little excited at times."                                                                                                                                            

[bradmeister]

"DUDE ... dude you shoulda seen wrestling last night! The show started with Romeo.."

"Who's Romeo?"

"Oh, he's like this boy band looking guy, but no one likes him because he's really arrogant and thinks everyone loves him when no one does, and he got in the ring and started putting everyone down calling them fat and stupid, and everyone was booing him and then he called out Kurt Grunge! And then Kurt appeared in the entrance and called him a tool and everyone started laughing and Romeo was getting mad and then he challenged Kurt to a match and Kurt said 'whatever' and then Romeo started getting madder then Kurt just walked in the back and Romeo ran after him!"

"You know it's ok to breathe between sentences."

"Yeah Dude I know and then after those two left people started booing again because they knew that MC Frosty was coming to the ring."

"Hold up .. the first three wrestlers on this show all had musical gimmicks? You sure you weren't watching MTV by accident?"

"C'mon dude this serious."

"Wrestling is serious?"

"Wrestling is always serious! So anyway MC Frosty climbed in the ring and then Lifeguard Chip ran to the ring and Frosty jumped him as he was coming in but Chip quickly came back and they were going back and forth then BAM! Chip hit the Beach Patrol and got the pin!"

"What's the Beach Patrol?"

"It's Lifeguard Chip's finisher."

"Yeah, but what is it? What kind of move?"

"Dude, I can't explain everything. Then Hammerhead came out and everyone was booing again 'cause he's like Russian, and he just had this scowl and then Orion Northstar comes out and everyone started cheering and then the arena went dark and lasers came out and spelled Orion's name in the middle of that mat! Then Hammerhead stood right on top of the name! That's so disrespectful! So they started fighting and Orion was jumping around and Hammerhead was trying to pin him down and then Orion made a mistake and BAM Hammerhead hit the Russian Sickle and that was it."

"Then the Beer Can Man came out, and he's got like half a six-pack in his hands..."

"Is he a good guy or bad guy? I mean .. a face or a heel?"

"Nah dude he's a tweener."

"So he's only 12 years old?"

"HAHAHAHA no dude that means not a face or a heel. He's doesn't care who he beats up, as long as it's someone. So he gets to the ring and like chugs the rest of the beers as Notorious BB gets in the ring."

"Another music gimmick?"

"Dude seriously. So they started wrestling, then they started fighting, then they started brawling, then BAM! BCM nailed BB with the Brewski Driver and it was all over."

"THEN it was a women's match. Almighty Dolla comes out, and she's like 90 or something, and then Trixie comes out, and she's super cute, and they start wrestling then BAM! Dolla hooks Trixie in the Old Schoolgirl and pins her. Which is kinda ironic, cause Dolla's finisher is called the old schoolgirl, and Trixie is dressed like a schoolgirl..."

"I don't think that's what ironic means."

"Then it was time for the main event - a triple threat match to determine who would challenge Dr. B for the World Heavyweight Title. It Was Dude Brohan, Sumo San, and Jet Set Strutter ... and it was CRAZY! Bodies were flying everywhere and two counts all over the place and and they were in the ring then out of the ring then back in the ring ... and then ... AND THEN Sumo San started hitting both Brohan and JSS with his 100 punches AT THE SAME TIME! Then when they were both down, he put JSS on top of Brohan and BAM! landed the Sayonara Drop ON BOTH OF THEM! IT WAS INSANE!! Sumo got the pin and the chance at the belt! I had to go get a gatorade afterwards I was screaming so much!"

"A Gatorade?"

"Gotta stay hydrated dude."

[Niz]

Super clever and a lot of fun to read. Nice work!

Loved the E. Honda take on Sumo San, with the 100 punches move. I’m so dead set on him being Yokozuna that I didn’t stop to consider that parody as well. That might breathe new life into him for me.

Looking forward to seeing this progress.

[Thumper Moore III]

I love it. This reminds me of me trying to tell my friends what happened on RAW and why they need to watch wrestling with me.

It’ll be interesting to see how the format holds up. Or if you have another trick up your sleeve.

[bradmeister]

"DUDE ... dude dude dude you won't BELIEVE what happened last night!"

"But you're going to tell me, right?"

"Of course dude! So first was Valley Girl, who was like super snobby and wouldn't let anyone touch her, then came Bombshell who's a lifeguard like Chip but super hot..."

"So Chip's not super hot?"

"Gross dude what the hell. Anyway they start fighting and stuff and then Valley Girl threw Bombshell out of the ring and kicked her every time she tried to get back in until finally the bell rang because Bombshell was counted out. That was an ok match"

"Then Teeny Norman came out, who's like this small skinny dude but with guns and everyone was cheering and laughing cause he was doing goofy stuff in the ring, then Cletus Mullet came out and he's like a skinny hillbilly but his guns aren't as big as Teeny's are."

"You would think that hillbillies would have bigger guns."

"So the match starts and Teeny is just wailing on him and countering everything and making Cletus look silly. Then suddenly BAM Teeny nails the Magical Bicycle Kick and gets the win! BUT THEN Cletus' cousin Zeke comes out and he's HUGE and the two Mullets start beating down Teeny and it took like every referee to break it up and they had to take Teeny out on a stretcher."

"How bad was he hurt?"

"They said he's gonna be out for like two months dude. That was definitely not cool. But then the lights dimmed, and this guy in a trenchcoat appeared and called himself Detective X and said he was here to 'clean up' but I don't know what that means but everyone was going crazy and cheering and stuff and then he just disappeared."

"Then Romeo came out with Avery and ..."

“Who’s Avery?”

“That’s Romeo’s tag partner, they call themselves the Hotsteppaz. “

“Hotsteppers?”

“no, Hotsteppaz. You gotta pronounce the Z.”

“That sounds dumb.”

“That’s cause it is, dude. Then Kurt Grunge comes out with his brother Eddie and everyone was cheering cause everyone knows grunge rock is better then boy band stuff and they started fighting right off the bat then outta nowhere BAM Kurt catches Avery in the Heart Shaped Lock and it was all over."

"And then The Cupid's Arrow segment started ..."

"Wait, is that the one with that idiot Uncle Eros?"

"Yeah dude how'd you know?"

"I watched wrestling a little bit in the '80s and he was an idiot back then."

"Well, not much has changed. His guest was Notorious BB and Uncle Eros was making fun of him for losing last week and BB said that ain't gonna happen again cause he's now got backup. Then 2-Zap shown up! 2-Zap said they're a team now called Def Row, and they plan on taking the belts and just laying waste to everyone. The crowd was just howling and cheering and it was all pretty cool."

"THEN was the main event ... Sumo San was getting his title shot at Dr B and it was a BRAWL. I mean both guys are pretty big, and at first neither guy was giving anything up and they were hitting each other and nailing moves and running around and slamming into each other and then ... AND THEN ... Sumo started hitting Dr B with the 100 punches and Dr B blocked a few but Sumo was too fast and started hitting all of them then Dr B went down and Sumo came off the ropes and BAM Sayonara Drop! He got the pin! THERE'S A NEW WORLD CHAMP!!!"

"You want a gatorade now?"

"Yeah I think so dude."

[bradmeister]

"DUDE WAIT UP ... you will not believe what happened on wrestling last night. It was CRAZY."

"Crazier than last week?"

"Oh easily dude ... first Flex Deltoid came out and he's like a body builder and he was high fiving everyone and girls were hugging him and everyone was cheering then Overload came out and people were booing and throwing cups at him and he ignored it all and the two started brawling and Flex was beating him up bad then he picked up Overload and put him in the Weight Rack ... dude FLEX PICKED UP OVERLOAD AND PUT HIM IN THE WEIGHT RACK"

"Yeah, I heard you the first time you said it."

"Nah, you don't understand dude Overload is over 450 lbs, and Flex just picked him up and threw him over his shoulders! But them something happened and Flex went down on one knee but he still held Overload in the Weight Rack 'til Overload submitted! But he had to be helped to the backstage area, I think he might be injured."

"So then Avery and Romeo come out, and they start talking trash about how they're the best team and they're gonna be the next champs and ..."

"Didn't they lose last week?"

"Yeah they did which is why everyone just laughed at them. Then they left and Detective X came out and he was being all mysterious and everything and then Kannibal Keith came out and they acted like there was bad blood between them or something because it was a straight fight, not exactly what I was expecting ... but all of a sudden BAM X hits the Conspiracy Theory and it was all over."

"Then Dude Brohan came out and challenged Sumo San to a weight lifting competition, like right there and then."

"Why?"

"I dunno but Sumo came out and then the two started doing curls and bench presses and other stuff I don't quite know what it's called cause I'm not a gym rat but Sumo was getting upset then Brohan challenged Sumo for the title at the pay-per-view next week and Sumo agreed!" Dude It's Dude Brohan versus Sumo San for the World Belt next week!!"

"But then the main event was a Cruiserweight Title match and Dizzy Lixx challenged Red Pirate Rogers..."

"Dizzy Lixx ... isn't he one of the heavy metal guys?"

"Nah dude he's like all goth now ... so anyway the match was okay, pretty basic really but then Rogers climbed up on the turnbuckle but Dizzy caught him and reversed the move into his finisher the Antichrist Superstar and got the pin."

"So Dizzy Lixx is the new Cruiserweight Champion?"

"I guess so dude, I don't really care about the cruisers ... wanna go to the store and get some Gatorade?"

[bradmeister]

"DUDE ... dude I just watched the January Pay-for-view and it was awesome! Especially the battle royal, all kinds of action!"

"So first, Def Row challenged the Neon Express for the Tag Team Titles, since Def Row has been on a roll lately ... they started dominating the match, but The Express has been a team longer and it started to show, their teamwork was on point ... they just waited for the right opportunity and BAM torpedo dropkick on 2-Zap and that was it, Neon Express keep their belts."

"Then it was a ladies match for the number one contender to Princess Starbright's belt. Valkyrie, who is seriously jacked for a woman, took on Elara Nexus. It was kind of a sci-fi match, since Valkyrie is from Cimmeternia and..."

"She's from where?"

"Cimmeternia dude, it's like a planet in another galaxy or something."

"And that's okay, having wrestlers from other planets?"

"Yeah dude why not? And Elara is like a space ranger or something, the match was back and forth for awhile, Elara used her speed to do hit and run shots on Valkyrie and Valkyrie was using some major power moves then out of nowhere BAM Valkyrie nails the underhook facebuster and gets the win!"

"Then Ms Misery came out, who looks like this grumpy old cat lady, only she carries around a sledgehammer..."

"Did you just say a sledgehammer? Like, a stereotypical twenty pound sledgehammer?"

"Yeah. She came out and challenged Princess Starbright for her belt! Misery was saying how Princess is only champ because she's young and good looking AND THEN Princess came out and got in Misery's face and told her she could beat her anyday and any way! Misery was hot cause of how Princess was making fun of her, but she had an evil grin when she left the stage cause she got what she wanted."

"THEN was the World Title match ... remember last week Dude Brohan and Sumo San had the weight lift challenge?"

"Well, since you talked about it for three days straight, I think I remember something about it."

"So this is the match that came from that challenge. Everyone was cheering on Dude Brohan, but he was coming off way too cocky and was taking Sumo way too lightly and he paid for it when Brohan tried to slam Sumo but didn't even get him an inch off the mat and Sumo hit him and hit him again then nailed the hundred punches and bounced off the ropes and BAM sayonara drop and sayonara Brohan."

"THEN was the twenty man BATTLE ROYALE. The winner of this match got a gauranteed World title shot at the February Pay Per View and it was all the cream of the crop. It was hard following the action at first with so many people in the ring at the same time, but I remember Chicano being the first one eliminated, followed by King V and Average Guy next. Then I remember seeing Jet Set Strutter getting knocked out by Dragonfly, who actually followed him out and basically eliminated himself ... and it took Samson, Dr B, Vin Voltage AND Troglo to force out Pierre the Enormous ... then Samson immediately hit a double clothesline and sent Troglo and Vin to the outside ... and bodies just kept flying everywhere and finishers kept getting nailed on anyone within range and it was straight chaos until suddenly there were only two men left ... Flawless One and O'hooligan. They circled each other, then locked up, and it was looking like a real wrestling match for a moment there till Flawless got backed against the ropes and O'hooligan charged him but Flawless dropped his shoulder and sent O'hooligan flying over the top rope and won the battle royale!! FLAWLESS ONE COULD BE THE NEXT CHAMPION!!"

"Let me guess, Flawless One is your favorite wrestler?"

"How'd you know?"

[MystMotone101]

DUDE! Brohan's totally a dude, dude! We gotta talk about how ridiculous wrestling has become, dude. We like have jacked up dudes, gimmicks that make no sense, and some action that is hard to explain, dude!

Real note though, this is a really unique spin on things. You're not the owner, but a fan, which I've never seen anyone do before.

[Dyno]

I love this, really innovative way of doing things.

Not only am I looking forward to seeing where the fed is going, but also to see how the relationship between the two friends develops.

Does the other guy start watching again? Will more show up and they have debates? Etc etc.

[bradmeister]

"Dude, wrestling last night was BORING. How could they do this to me? The one night of the week I actually look forward to, and it sucked!"

"Not every night can be awesome Brandon."

"I know, but they could at least try. So the first match was the Grunge Brothers against Def Row..."

"So are the music wrestlers only allowed to wrestle other music wrestlers?"

"... what?"

"It just seems from what you've told me that the music based wrestlers only wrestle each other."

"Dude it's called a coincidence. Anyway, the Grunges totally dominated the match, Def Row had barely any offence. Then Eddie caught 2Zap in the heart shaped lock, and 2Zap submitted quickly but Eddie wouldn't let go of the hold and the refs had to separate them and 2Zap limped off ... I think he's gonna be out for a few weeks."

"Then Rad Racer came out everyone was cheering and he gave his helmet to some kid in the crowd and then tennis pro came out and the boos were even lou..."

"So now there's two sports based wrestlers fighting each other ... and you're sure this is all coincidence?"

"Dude, I already said this week was boring. Anyway, Rad Racer won with his finisher, I think it's called the Tail Whip or something, I wasn't paying much attention. Then Drool came out and wrestled Brimstone and Drool won but I don't know how cause I had to go to the bathroom."

"But then things did pick up a little when Ronny Believer came out and he's a hardcore wrestler and..."

"What does hardcore mean?"

"Duuude hardcore is awesome! They do all these high risk moves and sometimes use weapons and it's just amazing! Ronny was going against Fireball who's not a hardcore wrestler but can definitely hang with then and Ronny was just non stop jumping off the turnbuckles and bouncing off the ropes sometimes walking ON THE ROPES Fireball just couldn't keep up then BAM Ronny hit the Violent Tendencies and that was it."

"Then it was Reptile Ranger against Exotic Rick and Rick was being his normal arrogant self and the match had a few good spots but honestly they both looked as bored as I was watching it."

"So who won the match?"

"Hmm? Oh, Reptile Ranger did with his Dino DDT. Then was the title match for the Cruiserweight belt. Dizzy Lixx defended against Dicky Thunderbird and are you ready for this?"

"...maybe"

"The bell rings, they lock up, Dizzy throws Thunder out of the ring, follows him out, they start fighting outside the ring, then the bell rings! It was a double countout! The entire match lasted TWO FRICKIN MINUTES!! THIS ... this is why I hate cruiserweights dude. I just don't understand the point."

"Well, there's always next week."

"OH next week looks promising ... Lazer is gonna challenge Sumo San for the World Title!"

"I thought Flawless One was challenging Sumo next."

"Nah dude Flawless One has a gauranteed title shot at the Valentine's Massacre Pay for View ... so he will meet the winner of this match. Let's go get a Gatorade, I need to wash the taste of yesterday's card out of my mouth."

[bradmeister]

"DUDE sit down let me tell you what happened last night."

"Better than last week? Don't think I've ever seen you that upset about wrestling."

"It wasn't five star, but it was decent. First Princess Starbright decided to 'humor' Ms Misery and wrestled her in a non-title match. Princess said if Misery wins she'll get the next title shot."

"And did she win?"

"Nope. Princess was too fast for Misery, caught her off-guard and BAM Rainbow Connection and that was it."

"Next was The Schmuck running his mouth, saying he could beat anyone. So Lifeguard Chip came down and everyone was cheering though I think it was more seeing Schmuck get beat than seeing Chip. Schmuck was basically a joke and Chip made quick work of him nailing the Beach Patrol."

"Then there was an arm wrestling match..."

"An arm wrestling match?"

"I didn't understand it either dude, but Exotic Rick challenged Grand Manga and then ... something happened I'm not sure cause I don't know the rules of arm wrestling and Rick slammed Manga's head into the table and they fought all the way to the back."

"So next was a bit interesting ... Destruction wants to challenge for the Tag Team titles, and the Commissioner said..."

"Wait, who's the Commissioner?"

"He's the guy who runs the federation and books all the matches. Anyway, the Commissioner said if Destruction could win two weeks in a row, they would get a title shot at the Pay for View. So this week, they took on The Smooth Criminals."

"And did they win?"

"Oh yeah dude, they destroyed the criminals ... hehehehehehe get it? Anyway they have a move called the Slingblade, and Vegas got caught in it and that was all she wrote."

"Next was O'Hooligan's Pub, and MC Frosty was being interviewed and he said he now has a new manager named Ryan Regret and things are going to change and the Television Belt will soon be his and a bunch of other stuff he was talking too fast for me to keep up with all of it."

"AND THEN Lazer challenged Sumo San for the World Title. It was wild! A lot of back and forth and Sumo was winning then Lazer was winning then Sumo was back in charge and it was all over the place and then YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE Lazer actually got the Lazerlock on Sumo! I though his legs would be too big for it but Lazer did it and Sumo tapped! There's a new Champ!! FLAWLESS ONE FIGHTS LAZER IN TWO WEEKS!!!"