J-1 Pinnacle - Block A - Round Five - Chance vs. Bradley

[Kip Whistler]

Round Five in Block A:
Arizona Chance (5) vs. Bad Luck Bradley (5)

[Bad Luck Bradley]

The lights dim, spotlights hit the ramp and our favourite Lady Gaga remix hits:



Brad steps out, dragging a trash can with him

LeRay: Brad, what are you up to?

Brad drags it to the ring and is intercepted by officials. An arugment starts up and one of them reaches in to pull out-

Beeman: Lego!
LeRay: Again with the Lego! Didn't he learn from last year?
Beeman: Well the officials are confiscating that.
LeRay: Just as well. Repeating the same things would be... reductive.
Beeman: I would have said banal.
LeRay: I'm sure you would.

Brad can't deal with his grand plan being foiling and so sulks ringside like a big, sweaty Seph.

Rod C: Introducing our first competitor... Bad! Luck! Brad! Ley!

Brad looks up as his music finishes, awaiting the man who has pushed him to his limits, the man who calls himself the franchise, the man whose name Brad has never successfully pronounced...

[Thumper Moore III]

Hysteria by Muse begins to play as the arena goes dark. A single spotlight silhouettes Arizona Chance, holding aloft the JWA Championship, as the guitar kicks in. When the full band joins, JWA Studios goes white, as the entire studio is bathed in light for a moment. Arizona heads toward the ring.

LERAY: This match has huge implications for Block A of the J-1, as either participant can finish anywhere from 1st to 5th in the block depending on the other outcomes.

BEEMAN: You mean there’s a chance both of these clowns could finish first?

LERAY: I’m Mick Leray, and my mathematically challenged color commentator is “Savvy” Sean Beeman. Rumors have circulated that after their ultra-violent clash in last year’s J-1, both men have been asked to tone down their act this year. Let’s hope we see a good, clean wrestling match.

BEEMAN: Oh no, Arizona has a microphone and he looks like he’s gonna sing.

ARIZONA AND FANS: I want it now, I want it nooooow
Give me your heart and your gooooold
I’m not breaking down, I’m breaking oooooout
Last CHANCE to gain controooooool

LERAY: On to Rod Codger for the official announcement.

[Thumper Moore III]

CODGER: We’ve just received a message from the independent adjudicator that this round will be settled in three holes.

FANS: ONE FA— (murmuring)

CODGER: Gentlemen?

The ring crew suddenly come out from behind the curtain and begin rolling green felt around the ring. Several of them are carrying papier machè statues of clowns, windmills, and fallen branches.

CODGER: The independent adjudicator has informed me that this match will be settled in a series of individual contests, with each contest earning the victor a number of points that have been predetermined. There will be no time limit for these events. The first contest is a game of mini-golf.

Arizona starts screaming at the referee about the injustice. Referee Francis X McCorry shrugs his shoulders. For Brad, it’s a normal Tuesday.

CODGER: It looks like our crack ring crew has assembled the first hole. Arizona, Bradley, here are your putters. Incidentally, the golf balls and putters used will be available for sale on JWAshop.com immediately after the show tonight.

LERAY: Have you seen anything like this before, Sean?

BEEMAN: WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

LERAY: It appears that for hole one, the two will have to navigate a 90 degree turn around the ring post and between two logs. Arizona beckons Bradley to go first. He banks it off the back wall… he’s left himself no angle at the hole. Chance lines up his putt, and he’s hit it beautifully, ending up six inches from the cup. He taps in. Brad lines his putt up and… oh no. On his backswing, the putter slipped out of his hands and it’s flown into the first row and has struck a fan in the head. The fan is now bleeding from the mouth, and Doc Simpson is checking her out.

CODGER: I’ve just received word— In the letter you received, objects flying into the crowd were strictly prohibited. Round one, and five points, go to Arizona Chance.

[Bad Luck Bradley]

Brad isn't happy. To make matters worse, one of the papier mache clowns begins to laugh. He storms over and knocks its nose off.

Brad: You're gonna die clown!

Codger gestures and some stagehands and officials come in to remove the mini-golf. He opens an envelope, considers it, closes it and speaks:

Codger: The independent adjudicator has informed me that this round will be decided in four hits.
Fans: FOUR HITS!
Codger: This round will be won by the competitor who makes his opponent hit all four turnbuckle pads. The count is reset when a different competitor hits a turnbuckle.
LeRay: This is some strange twist on a Four Corners Strap Match, only without the strap.
Beeman: This might be the only bit of wrestling we see tonight!

Arizona is fast on his feet and has Brad in a headlock. A quick snap and Brad is Irish-whipped into a corner.

Codger: That's one for Arizona!

Chance is on Brad in a heartbeat and whips him into the opposite corner.

Codger: And that's two for Arizona!
LeRay: This round may be over in seconds!

As Arizona runs to the corner, though, Brad slips out of the way and our favourite archiologist runs into the turnbuckle chest first.

Codger: Oh! Arizona's count is gone! It's now one for Brad!

The two wrestlers trade Irish whips, drags, hairpulls and shoves. After a minute, the two men are gassed, sweating and heaving. Brad manages to kick Arizona away from the corner and turns, pulling at the turnbuckle pad.

Beeman: It doesn't take Brad long to start sabotaging.
LeRay: He's gonna disqualify himself if he's not careful! He's exposing the turnbuckle ring! That could kill Arizona!

Brad, however, has a different idea. He strides over and bonks Arizona on the head with the pad.

Codger: One for Brad.

Arizona, unhurt by the padded attack, grabs the pad from Brad and gives him a bonk of his own.

Codger: Brad's count is lost. That's one for Arizona.

Both men stare at the pad, and the power within. A brief struggle and both men dash to opposite corners, pulling at the turnbuckle pads.

LeRay: What are these two maniacs doing?

Within seconds, they have the pads on their fists like boxing gloves. They raise their dukes and run centre-ring to batter each other.

Codger: One for Brad! One for Arizona! Two for Arizona! One for Brad! One for- Oh, gosh. Arizona! Brad! Brad! Brad! Arizona! Arizona! Brad!
LeRay: How is he keeping up with this?
Beeman: He was an auctioneer in a former life.

The two men are swinging their arms, cartwheeling around the ring, circling and spinning. They are exhausted, slowing, leaning onto one another, weakly rubbing the pads on one another. Arizona, in a fit of energy, smacks Brad on both sides of the head with his pads, stunning the Bad Luck Wrestler. With an exhausted lurch, he tosses the pads away, grabs both of Brads wrists and takes a deep breath.

Arizona: Stop hitting yourself!

He pulls Brad's fists together and starts smashing the pads off Brad's head.

Codger: That's four for Arizona! This round and four points goes to Ari! Zona! Chaaaaaaance!

But Arizona is in a reverie, bashing Brad's face with the soft pads until both men are torn apart by officials, giggling like two children after a pillow fight.

Codger: Onto the next round!

[Thumper Moore III]

CODGER: The independent adjudicator has informed me that this round will be decided in three answers.

FANS: THREE ANSWERS!

CODGER: This round will be a quiz show format, hosted by noted archaeologist Everett J. Cooperman of Sedona State University.

LERAY: Sedona State? That’s the school, and department, that Arizona’s master’s degree came from! Indeed, Arizona is shocked but he seems excited! Bradley, as usual, is oblivious. Arizona greets Cooperman with a big hug as he takes his place behind a podium set up in the ring. Arizona and Bradley each take a seat with a large buzzer on a table in front of them.

CODGER: The topic is archaeology trivia. Mr. Cooperman, the first question please.

BEEMAN: Listen, I’m no fan of his, but this is patently unfair to Bradley. The fix is in!

COOPERMAN: This ancient Mississippian city rivaled Paris in size during the Middle—

BRADLEY, smashing his buzzer: What is Cahokia.

COOPERMAN: That is correct. But you don’t have to answer in the form of a question.

BRADLEY: It was a question. I’ve been curious since I saw a documentary, and figured I’d ask a professor. What’s this about a quiz show?

COOPERMAN: Arizona, I expected more out of you as a former student. Next question: This Peruvian—

BRADLEY, smashing his buzzer again: MACCHU PICHU!!

COOPERMAN: Amazingly, that is also correct.

BRADLEY: What’s also correct? I sneezed. What was the question?

ARIZONA: How can I answer that? There are hundreds of archaeological sites in Peru. I’m patiently waiting for you to finish your statement, which you asked us to do in your class because you hate being interrupted, and here he is, barging in! This is patently unfair!

BEEMAN: That’s what I just said!

COOPERMAN: Be that as it may, the score stands at 2-0. Question three:

BRADLEY, buzzing in again: The peat bogs of Denmark.

COOPERMAN, removing his glasses and staring at Bradley: The question was: where did scientists find the earliest known mummified human body, dated to 8000 BCE? Bradley, your answer is correct, and you have swept the archaeology trivia contest 3-0.

BRADLEY: Wait, you said May, and I was trying to let you know where Sephy Wephy and I visited last May in an attempt to cleanse the compound of evil spirits.

CODGER: This round and three points go to Bad. Luck. Brad. Ley!!!

LERAY: Arizona is apoplectic. He has turned over the table he was seated at, and Professor Cooperman is shaking his head at Arizona with a disappointed stare! Chance is screaming at Codger, screaming at Cooperman, and all the while Bradley has somehow found a bag of Ruffles and is enjoying a mid-match snack!

BEEMAN: I haven’t been happier to see someone this embarrassed since Betty Wanamaker’s wardrobe malfunction in high school.

LERAY: On to the next round!

[Bad Luck Bradley]

Codger: The independent adjudicator has informed me that this round will be decided in one knockout.
Fans: ONE KNOCKOUT!
Codger: This round will be won by the competitor who knocks out his opponent using the item presented.
LeRay: Is this a hardcore match?
Beeman: Kip didn't want the extreme violence of last year. His choice may have come back to haunt him.

Codger takes out a briefcase and gestures for two men to approach. As he opens it, a light glows onto his face. He reaches in and gently removes...

Beeman: Is that... a video game controller?

Indeed, in each hand, he is holding a gray NES controller with a cable several yards long. Both wrestlers are brought to a couch facing the hard cam. They are given a headset each and an official crawls under the ring to connect the controllers to a hidden console. Both men look at each other, hit the start button and-

Beeman: Oh my!

Mini-Zona and Mini-Brad emerge from below the ring and enter, moving awkwardly. The bell rings and Arizona and Brad start frantically button-mashing. Mini-Zona and Mini-Brad begin to randomly move, punching, kicking and rolling around the ring. The crowd begin to shout out commands and slowly, surely, the two professional wrestlers become amateur gamers.

LeRay: The, uh, player characters are locking up!
Beeman: Good gravy, that's a brutal move!
LeRay: How can Mini-Zona survive that?
Beeman: Is he the toughest son of a gun in the JWA?
LeRay: After that gruesome attack, I'd say so!
Beeman: Did you see that manouever?
LeRay: I can't look! Tell me when this is over!
Beeman: Stop the damn match!
LeRay: Look at Mini-Brad! He's laughing! He enjoys it!
Beeman: Mini-Zona has a family!
LeRay: With Kip as my witness, that man is broken in half!
Beeman: This is a slobberknocker!
LeRay: What is Mini-Zona up to?

Arizona is on his feet, roaring into his mic.

Arizona: Quarter-circle punch!

Mini-Zona whips his hands back and charges his fists forward, and, in a repeat of Arizona's move last year, hits a Hadoken. Mini-Brad's defeated scream is repeated as he falls. Mini-Zona raises his hands and the bell tolls. Brad stands, tosses his controller, throws his headset into the crowd and steals an energy drink from a fan, chugging it and eating a plate of chicken fingers and Cheetos.

Codger: That's a knockout for Arizona! This round and one point goes to Ari! Zona! Chaaaaaaance!

Arizona gifts the controller and headset to a young fan, poses for a picture and catches Mini-Zona as he jumps into his arms from the ring.

Codger: Onto the next round!

[Thumper Moore III]

CODGER: This round will be decided in one date!

FANS: ONE DATE!

CODGER: The independent adjudicator has informed me that this round will be judged by Miss Carrie Schneiderman. Fans, please welcome Ms. Schneiderman.

A pretty young woman appears on the Jerkatron. She smiles and waves at the crowd, who politely applaud.

CODGER: Carrie has never seen a wrestling match before, which makes her the perfect judge for this round. As our guest host for this round, please welcome the host of The Dating Show, Charles Wonderly!

BEEMAN: Charles Wonderly?!? I’ve always wanted to meet him!

LERAY: Perhaps you can after the show.

CODGER: Mr. Wonderly will be asking questions to each of you as if you are on his show. Ms Schneiderman will be judging your answers and deciding which of you she would rather go on a date with!

Arizona appears incredibly conflicted, as he is a happily married man. But, a championship trophy may be on the line, so he soldiers on. Bradley seems excited about the prospect of landing a date.

WONDERLY: Brad, bachelor number one, our first question is to you. Describe the perfect date.

BRADLEY: A run in the rain, then hop on a plane, take a train to Spain, pause to take a leak. Tapas for dinner, you know I’m a sinner, can’t get much thinner cause I ain’t ate all week.

CARRIE, with a puzzled look on her face: Interesting. Bachelor number two?

WONDERLY: Yes, bachelor number two, Arizona. Same question.

ARIZONA: Well, Charles, first of all, I’m not a bachelor.

CARRIE: Wait, I thought I was deciding between two eligible bachelors.

WONDERLY, making a gesture to cut the feed to backstage: Arizona, just play along if you want the points. Boys, go ahead and bring the feed back up.

ARIZONA: Sorry, Carrie, I thought a bachelor meant what degree I hold. I actually have a master’s. Anyway, the ideal date for me would be a walk near my home in the desert, enjoying the beautiful scenery, talking, getting to know each other, followed by a romantic home-cooked dinner.

CARRIE, under her breath: Cheapskate.

WONDERLY: Bachelor one, Brad. Describe a time when you were embarrassed.

BRADLEY: Sephy Wephy and I were talking about how we’re gonna beat up Juicy Mongoosy and Flightless Bird, and, well, it took me a good five minutes of talking before I realized he hadn’t once said a word to me or took his head out of that damn video game.

CARRIE: So, you have an imaginary friend?

WONDERLY: Bachelor two, Arizona?

ARIZONA: I had this guy once who really ticked me off. My first day as a wre— with my company, and he pooped in my bag.

CARRIE: That’s awful!

ARIZONA: I agree. Well, he moved on, but many years later we worked together again. I put chocolate pudding in my bag and tried to shove his face in it.

CARRIE: That’s awful too!

ARIZONA: Well, unfortunately, he ended up turning the situation around, and I ended up with pudding all over me.

CARRIE: Sounds like you got what you deserved.

WONDERLY: Carrie, any thoughts at this point?

CARRIE: Yeah. My thoughts are that these guys are both awful. Bachelor one can’t put two cohesive thoughts together, and bachelor two sounds like a broke, petty loser. I choose neither, Charles.

WONDERLY: Well, that’s it for this episode of The Dating Show.

CODGER: Neither participant receives any points this round. On to the next!

ARIZONA: I intentionally lost that one for you, Ronnie!!

BEEMAN: Mr. Wonderly! Mr. Wonderly! Can I get an autograph?

[Bad Luck Bradley]

Codger examines an envelope, closes it and takes the mic.

Codger: The independent adjudicator has informed me that this round will be decided in one smash.
Fans: ONE SMASH!
Codger: This round will be won by the competitor who successfully destroys the piñata!
LeRay: Are they getting blindfolded?
Beeman: They are.
LeRay: And given... baseball bats?
Beeman: I believe they are softball bats.
LeRay: These two morons are going to kill each other - or us!
Beeman: I am standing up and ready to run.

Both Arizona and Brad are testing out the weight of their bats as a Red Pirate Rogers-branded piñata is lowered mid-ring. A bell rings and Arizona steps instantly into the ring ropes, springing backwards and sending his bat flying, skittering across the ring.

Beeman: Arizona is unarmed! How can he win now?

Arizona is crawling around, completely blind, scrambling for the bat. The crowd are on their feet, giving directions. Brad is slowly rotating on the spot. Arizona crawls over, finds himself in front of Brad and unknowingly reaches up and grabs-

LeRay: Oh!
Beeman: Arizona grabs the wrong bat!
LeRay: I'd describe it as more of a-
Beeman: Would you stop?

Brad is twisting and shimmying and shaking, but Arizona holds on tight. Brad spins and raises the bat over his head with a scream, swinging the bat down. Luckily for Arizona, he misses. Unluckily for Brad, the bat hits the top ring rope, bounces back and with a sickening crack, smashes into Brad's head. Arizona has let go of Brad, who stumbles forward, moves his step into a jiving dance and collapses face-first onto the mat - right below the piñata!

Beeman: One man unarmed and the other unconscious!

The crowd are on their feet, cheering and chanting. Arizona points blindly. The crowd boo. He points again. Another boo. With slow, measured grace and the brain of a man who has won his share of Battleship games, he points dead at the piñata. The crowd go wild.

LeRay: My gosh, he's going to do it!

Arizona slowly steps towards Brad's snoring body. He reaches Brad, carefully pats up Brad's legs and giving the Bad Luck Wrestler's bottom a quick and semi-accidental squeeze before finding the bat.

Beeman: Hey batter batter batter!

Arizona spits on his hands, rubs them together and winds up a big swing and-

LeRay: ¡Hoy va a ser un día maravilloso!

The piñata explodes into a rainbow of spiralling candies. Children around the arena jump and scramble, filling their chubby little fists with enough sugar to give their parents a headache. Bedtime will be hours later this evening.

Codger: That's a smash for Arizona! This round and a dozen e-numbered points go to Ari! Zona! Chaaaaaaance!
Arizona takes the blindfold off and shakes Brad awake, who investigates himself with curious interest.
Codger: Onto the next round!

[Thumper Moore III]

CODGER: This round will be decided in two steps!

FANS: TWO STEPS!

CODGER: This round of the match will be… a dance-off!

Brad smiles. He’s been looking to cut a rug for about three rounds now. Arizona also smiles. He is coordinated, erudite, and confident in his dancing abilities.

CODGER: Participants will compete in three dances to be improvised on the spot. First dance is the barynya, and it begins now!

The theme from Tetris begins to play over the loudspeakers. Arizona hesitates for a moment, squats, and begins thrusting his legs and leaping like a true Russian folk dancer. Bradley does a do si do with Codger and starts clapping his hands together, waiting for instructions.

CODGER: First dance to Chance!

BRADLEY: He wasn’t even barn dancing!

CODGER: The second dance is modern hip hop, and it begins now!

Dynamite by BTS comes over the loud speaker. Bradley immediately begins shucking and jiving, while Arizona starts doing the cabbage patch. Suddenly, the red, yellow, blue, and green spotlights set the JWA arena awash in color, and Veronica Chance emerges from behind the curtain and begins Alex Wright dancing her way to the ring. She rolls in, kisses Arizona on the cheek, and he begins doing the same dance. Meanwhile, Bradley finishes with a spinaroonie into tranquilo pose, and winks at the audience.

CODGER: Arizona is disqualified from this dance due to outside interference, and the winner is Bradley! The final dance is the tango!

Arizona and Bradley both begin to protest to Codger. He holds up his hand for silence.

CODGER: As both men have pointed out, the tango is a two person dance. Our independent adjudicator has just informed me that their dance partners for this final dance off will be— EACH OTHER!

The fans roar their approval as I’ve Had The Time Of My Life from Dirty Dancing plays. Arizona and Brad lock eyes. Suddenly, Arizona has a rose in his mouth, and both men move in close. Too close. Their abdomens almost touch, but not quite, as they lock hands.

What follows is an amazing display of pageantry; bodies, arms, and legs twirl in a whirlwind of emotion, but not once do Arizona and Brad’s eyes move off each others. The audience claps along with the music, mesmerized by the magic of what they are seeing.

Finally, the men separate, but only for a moment— they both know what must happen next. Arizona irish whips his dance partner into the turnbuckle, but they both know he’s not staying there: nobody puts Bradley in the corner. Bradley and Arizona nod at each other, and the bad luck wrestler runs toward The Franchise, leaps, and is caught in midair and held aloft by his new soulmate as the audience erupts in a cacophony of applause, cheers, and ecstasy.

CODGER: AMAZING! INCREDIBLE! ONE HUNDRED POINTS TO BOTH WRESTLERS!

Arizona and Brad simultaneously remember that they are, ostensibly, opponents in a pro wrestling match. Arizona awkwardly lowers Bradley, and they both return to neutral corners, each gazing longingly over their shoulder at each other, pondering what might have been.

[Bad Luck Bradley]

Codger tallies up the scores, inspects a new envelope.

Codger: The independent adjudicator has informed me that this round will be decided with capes.
Fans: NO CAPES!
Codger: This round will be won by the competitor who successfully completes a ceiling fan match!
LeRay: A ceiling fan match?
Beeman: I've not seen one of these since Duke Mongoose went up against Gregg "The Bat" Wallace back in PUNCHCADE '93.

The officials place a cape around each of the men and, from the ceiling, dozens of ceiling fans descend. They fall to different levels - some at head height, others twice that, come spinning near the competitors' knees. A flimsy plastic bag is lowered, jangling with what appears to be dozens of poker chips.

Beeman: That must be the points. Both men are going to struggle to reach it.

Suddenly, the bag and the ceiling fans begin to move up and down! The entire ring is a danger zone! Brad and Arizona look up, trying to time the jumps and spins, looking to see if they can somehow reach the bag.

LeRay: Someone do something!

At once, both men move. Brad instantly trips, his cape caught in a ceiling fan, pulling him tight. Arizona leaps off Brad's back, his fingers barely caressing the bag as he flies through the air. The bag swings, clips a fan and it slices open, the blades tearing the plastic and firing out loose chips into the audience. Still, some hang there, free for the taking... unless the ceiling fan takes them first.

Arizona looks to a turnbuckle, calculates a jump, makes a move - but Brad has his leg! Arizona falls, the plastic ceiling fan blades slapping off his skin, doing zero damage but stinging like the dickens. The cape is caught around Brad's neck, turning inexorably towards his doom.

Arizona leaps up, looks around, licks his fingertip, feels the air, escapes from the ring and dives underneath.

Beeman: Where's that pesky Arizona going?
LeRay: He's up to no good no matter where he is!

The ring rocks and shocks and the fans begin to sputter, slow and eventually stop. Brad is granted some respite. Until, that is, their rotation reverses. His cape becomes looser but the fans spin faster and faster. Soon, he is held aloft, the fans pulling instead of pushing. His cape, the one thing slowly killing him a minute ago is now his lifeline. The blades will whip him to ribbons... and the cape is coming undone.

Then, from beneath the ring, Arizona crawls out. He leaps into the ring and the ceiling fans - and floor fans - keep him held in a suspended anti-gravity float.

Beeman: This seems impossible! This can't happen!
LeRay: Don't tell Chance that!

Arizona's cape billows as he swims through the air, grabs the flimsy bag and-

The fans stop. Bradley is saved. Arizona crashes to the floor. The chips fly in all directions. One lands in between Brad's sweaty pecs, sticking there.

Codger: This round and a single point goes to Bad! Luck! Bradleeeeeeeeey!

Arizona sits as the fans disappear, and shakes his head in bemusement.

Codger: Onto the next round!

[Thumper Moore III]

After Arizona wins a paper airplane contest, Bradley defeats Arizona in thumb wrestling, and Arizona wins a treadmill sprint, a spotlight dramatically falls on Rod Codger.

CODGER: I’ve received word from the independent adjudicator that this will be the final contest… worth ONE THOUSAND POINTS!

LERAY: That makes all of the rest of the points these two have gained completely irrelevant! Whoever wins this round wins the match and keeps their hopes alive in the J-1!

CODGER: Gentlemen— please stand on the two spots marked here near the middle of the ring, and allow me to introduce your special guest for the final round… ZAUBERMEISTER!!!

A wildly charismatic and enigmatic magician strolls down the ramp and takes his place between Arizona and Brad as they all face the hard cam side by side.

CODGER: The final contest will be decided in one rip!

FANS: ONE RIP!

ARIZONA AND BRADLEY: One rip?

ZAUBERMEISTER: PRESTO!

Black curtains fall from the ceiling, perfectly surrounding both participants between the magician. The audience rumbles in anticipation.

CODGER: The final contest will be...

ZAUBERMEISTER: CHANGE-O!

The curtains fall simultaneously. Arizona and Bradley look at each other and snicker, then look at themselves and gasp. Arizona is now wearing a tasteful, brown, form-fitting sequined dress with matching sequined fedora. Bradley is clad in a hot pink sequined stunner of a ball gown.

CODGER: A BRA AND PANTIES MATCH!!!

[Bad Luck Bradley]

Both men are looking awkwardly at each other. They move closer, their stiletto heels digging into the mat, twisting their ankles like a newborn calf or some sort of long legged bird. And they approach, Arizona gives a winced smile to Veronica. She is in the crowd, standing by Bradley's Grandma, who shakes her head with distaste. As the two men touch, the women rise in protest. Arizona stumbles to the ring rope.

Arizona: Ronnie, it's Brad!
Brad: Grandma, we don't need to be married first!

The two women are spoken to by an official and give a reluctant nod. Still, the beautiful men - somehow bedazzled with jewels and festooned with makeup - find locking up embarrassing.

But only for a second.

Soon they are gripping, grabbing, spinning and twisting. A whip is countered into an arm drag and followed by a back rake, which loosens a few threads. A headlock becomes an attempted bulldog and thwarted by a leg sweep. An ankle lock is applied and escaped when a shoe comes loose. Suddenly both shoes are off and the men are chain-wrestling with the best of them. It's fast-paced, it's energetic, it's exciting, it's raunchy, it's rowdy, it's tricky.

The two men are charging up their specials. They hit all at once.

Brad is thrown into a corner and Arizona goes for the Crystal Skull Crusher but Brad pushes him away and hops up to hit a Bret's Rope Elbow, but Arizona rolls out of the way and tries to hit his own Bret's Rope manoeuvre, the Sedona Sunrise, but Brad runs forward and sticks his head between Arizona's legs - and up the dress! - for a Bad Luck Bomb. Arizona hits a few punches, escapes, and rocks off the ropes for a Lost Ark Lariat but Brad ducks it, attempts a reverse brainbuster, but Arizona twists and tries his own Modified Michinoku Driver. Before Arizona can hit it, Brad hits and elbow and sets up for a power slam But inadvertently walks into the beginnings of The Last Crusade.

Both men are holding each other, neither giving ground. In the tussle, the dresses are a mess, shredded and losing structural integrity. The struggle slows. Brad and Arizona lock eyes. The crowd is a hush. Even the highest seat in the nosebleeds hears what is said next.

Arizona: I'm sorry.
Brad: I love you.

Both men rip backwards, tearing the dresses from their opponents, leaving both men in matching lingerie, using the stolen dresses to hide their modesty. A cheer rises, the bell tolls, confusion reigns. With a chorus of boos, Codger gets the mic.

Codger: A double win is a double loss. Both men are disqualified!

As the crowd begin to riot, both men move to the women in their life, and before they embrace wife and Grandma, Brad and Arizona hold hands for a brief moment, one unseen by most but felt by both.

[Thumper Moore III]

In the aftermath, Veronica Chance whispers a sweet nothing into Arizona’s ear, but instead of being followed up by a kiss on the cheek, Arizona suddenly turns red with anger and says, “Are you sure?” Veronica nods and Zona bolts up the ramp.

BEEMAN: Where is Chance heading off to?

LERAY: Wherever it is, he’s in a hurry. He’s back— AND HE HAS RODD PUTTERGILL BY THE COLLAR! Puttergill has a headset on— Chance screams into the headset’s microphone for some reason.

BEEMAN: Rod Codger just held his ear! Puttergill was the independent adjudicator!

LERAY: Arizona throws Puttergill unceremoniously into the ring. My goodness, I thought Arizona and Rodd buried the hatchet last year, but apparently, Rodd still wanted to embarrass his old nemesis. Puttergill is begging off, and Arizona calls Bradley into the ring. They each grab one end of Rodd— Brad strips his pants and Arizona his shirt. Now Puttergill is in tighty whities! Arizona points at Bradley— BAD LUCK BOMB! Bradley picks up Puttergill, who is somehow able to stand. Arizona flips him the double deuces— LAST CRUSADE!

BEEMAN: If I were Rodd, I wouldn’t care. That level of embarrassment for Chance and Bradley was worth the pain he’s in now.

LERAY: Arizona and Brad walk up the ramp— clasp hands and bow before exiting. They are of course, both eliminated, but for them, the real championship was the friend they made along the way.